FULL TRANSCRIPT

One of the biggest things a lot of women deal with when going through divorce is questioning themselves and their self worth, especially if they’re coming from a marriage with a spouse that put them down.

Reclaiming yourself and your worth is certainly not an easy process, but it can be done.

And that’s exactly what we’re talking about in today’s episode of the Divorce Etc… podcast.

0:22

We’re the exEXPERTS, Jessica and T.H.

We help you navigate your divorce and successfully move on with your life.

So let’s get started.

I am beyond excited today, everybody, because I have been following Doctor Amanda Hanson, the founder of the Midlife News, for a long time.

0:41

And then I’m like, you know what’s screwed?

I’m just going to DM her and see if maybe she’ll be on the show.

And she said yes, and she’s here.

So yay.

And thank you for supporting us up front.

Doctor Amanda Hansen is a clinical psychologist and a global influencer who has helped millions of women to reimagine their lives, reconnect with their feminine side, and to heal generational trauma.

1:06

I had to literally read that off of her website because I didn’t want to get it wrong.

Of all the ways that she can influence you in the best ways.

So welcome, welcome.

Welcome to Divorce etc…

Thank you so very much for having me.

1:21

And you know, I love that you just decided I’m going to send a DM and and that’s something I actually really want your listeners to hear.

Is so often we can get in our heads and all these limited beliefs and create all these stories of impossibility for ourselves and nothing ever changes.

And what do we have to lose?

1:36

Put the message out there, make the call, ask the person to lunch and see what happens.

Because there there may be a door opening that you would have never walked through if you stayed in the limited beliefs and the world sphere that tells us like, oh, don’t be so extra.

Don’t try that thing.

1:52

So thank you for reaching out so that we could have this beautiful conversation.

Yes, I’m, I’m beyond thrilled, as you can all tell.

OK, let’s get into it.

So tell us about the midlife muse.

What does it mean?

What’s its purpose?

2:07

Why did you create it?

You created it with intention and had a shift.

So please tell everybody what it is.

Yes, I was approaching midlife 11 years ago, more or less depending everybody self defines.

Now the American Psychological Association has moved it to 35 as the beginning of midlife.

2:25

It used to be 40, but when I was approaching 40 and everyone around me was starting to talk about this fear and this panic, and I felt like, am I missing something because I’m not feeling that way?

And as the next several years went on and I watched women really lose any sense of identity for themselves, particularly women that I knew who were raising children and hadn’t worked outside of the home.

2:48

And as the children left, there was this grappling of who am I without relation to them?

And I also started to see a lot of marriages falling apart in our circle.

Like really people coming to this place of this is no longer an energetic match, affairs happening, a variety of things.

3:05

And so I started myself really starting.

And I also, quite honestly, I also was at a place of some dissatisfaction in certain aspects of my life.

And so I, I went on a search of like, we’re that deeply grounded woman who’s moving through midlife with a different story, because the average story I was hearing was crisis.

3:24

And then also lots of Botox in those conversations as well as the as they.

Published, but also were you feel like were you hearing a lot of like the complaining, but just kind of the reluctant acceptance of like?

But I guess this is just what it has to be.

Yes, it was like commiserating in the misery of like, well this is dead and I thought there’s ought to be a better way.

3:43

So I myself was looking for a sage, a guide, a Crone.

I couldn’t find her.

And I searched high and low and all over the place.

The closest I came was Georgia O’Keeffe, who was a painter in the 20s.

And that’s a whole different story for another day.

But I couldn’t find her.

4:00

So like most things in this lifetime, probably similar to this podcast, there’s a hunger for something.

There’s a story to tell, and you just decide, well, there’s a gap.

I’ll become the thing I’m looking for.

And sure enough, here we are just being on social media a little over two years, all organically.

4:16

I think the numbers speak for themselves, that what I’m sharing and what I’m talking about, women are starving for.

Yeah, there’s no question about it.

I mean, even if you take little Nuggets of what Amanda has to say in her shows and one of them she’s speaking with her daughter about, you know, the trip that you took with your family.

4:34

And all the conversation was like self deprecating the women self deprecating themselves, like the kind of talk that we’ve been trained to do that’s accepting, which is.

A form of bonding that’s.

A ball.

It’s a form of bonding, like, oh, did you see my stomach?

4:49

Oh, you haven’t seen my Cellulite.

Oh, my hair is like thinning.

And we actually think that is normal.

That’s bonding.

And we’ve accepted it.

And it’s so painful to me that this is the standard that we operate by.

And so where do women go from there?

5:05

I mean, it’s like, it’s like, OK, we can all recognize that.

And then we all are like, but what do we do about it, right?

Yeah, it’s really I my work helps women build that foundation of self love and self worth.

It is not centered in the male gaze and it’s not centered in your external beauty.

5:23

So when we decenter beauty and physicality and we decenter the male gaze, there’s a whole wide world that opens up and there’s so much that can be created from that space.

But you have to, when you decenter those two things, you have to build the foundation of self love.

5:39

And then you start building the walls of self trust and self worth and you resurrect a whole new way forward in life.

Not the way that our mothers or grandmothers bless them, but because they built a life on patriarchal standards.

They passed that down to us.

And we thought that was the end all be all.

5:54

And we’re standing here in the middle of our lives thinking, well, actually, I don’t think that return on investment paid off in the way I’d hoped it would.

The patriarchal checklist has been checked and I’m still not happy because you never source from within.

You only source in the ways that the world told you would make you happy.

And it’s, it’s, it’s a whole I’ve, I’ve written a whole book about it, right, that comes out in March.

6:14

But it is a whole entire crazy scheme that gets women in these places of selling their entire souls away to places that never actually create happiness.

So where does it?

Easier.

It’s easier, right?

Isn’t.

Though the suffering, I don’t know if it is because the suffering is so intense and then women end up on antidepressants, anti anxieties, then they’re so numb they can’t create anything from that space.

6:39

And I’m like, it’s actually not.

You know, when women come into work with me, my work is intense.

It is really deep, and it is a journey.

They’re terrified in the beginning.

And by the end, they’re standing there saying, this did more for me in one year than 20 years of talk therapy did it.

6:54

It didn’t even scratch the surface of where you took us because we are afraid to have the really uncomfortable, hard conversation, which I’m willing to do all day long.

Yeah.

Yeah, no, it it’s I, I meant it’s easier just to not break the pattern, you know, just just put a Band-Aid on it.

7:11

Like you had said, it’s something else, you know, just just get me through another day, OK?

Just don’t let me deal with this right now.

But you have to deal with it at some point or we’ll eat you alive.

Like I So Jessica and I, our back story and our audience knows it now, but our back story is that, you know, best couples, friends, married, everything looked beautiful in pictures, went to gorgeous places, had kids, did all the things right in the right order.

7:40

And then it all imploded at the exact same time as our husbands were carrying on extramarital affairs with other women, traveling with them as their, you know, as couples.

And we’re home working with young children.

But the difference between us, we have a lot of differences between us, but we’re still best friends, is that that was the best day of my life when I got a phone call saying, you know, giving me, validating everything that was eating me alive for years.

8:08

And I’m like halla fucking lujah, I’m out.

And Jessica was going through a lot of things, but it was more of an identity struggle.

She’d been with him half her life.

Like who was she if she wasn’t with him?

So but we created all of this space because we have to talk about the hard things and we are living proof that your life can be great, but you can’t.

8:31

It can’t be great if you don’t deal with the shit, you don’t have the conversations.

For me, there was trauma that led me to the relationship that I was in that a lot that where I was giving myself permission to stay, but it was so toxic.

8:48

And so I want to dig in a little bit about women in marriages and really trying to unfold and get out of a bad relationship.

It doesn’t even have to be a marriage.

It could be a work relationship, It could be a friendship that’s not serving you anymore.

9:04

Like what are the first steps that you take for yourself?

To you really.

Start to climb out.

Yes, that’s a great question.

You really have to become incompatible to that kind of behavior and treatment where it becomes unfathomable that you would even stay.

9:21

You know, I have a a video that went viral so many times over and it’s really talking about the first when you’re dating, the first time he’s disrespectful to you, It’s over.

And women are like, Oh my gosh, that’s crazy.

The the things that women allow and accept blows my mind.

They’re like, Oh my gosh, that’s crazy.

That’s so dramatic.

9:37

And I’m thinking, this is supposed to be the best time.

You’re courting each other.

He’s already disrespected you.

What do you actually think a lifetime with someone like this is going to look like?

Are you kidding me?

So I take a really fierce stance on that.

If you want a better quality of life, you’re going to have to be.

9:52

No one’s going to serve it up for you.

You have to be the one who creates it.

You can’t expect better from others when you don’t expect better for yourself.

So again, it sounds trite.

We’ve all here, you can’t love anyone until you love yourself.

But nobody actually knows how to go about building that foundation of self, right?

10:09

And so I have this program I created.

It’s 25 videos in a workbook that’s been selling all over the world for almost a year now.

And it teaches women the primary 25 foundational pieces for building self love within.

And it all starts with deconstructing.

You can’t, you can’t patch something up and start to do certain practices over a really traumatized foundation.

10:31

You have to go in there and you have to dig out the cancer.

You have to remove the cancer or it’ll just keep popping back up in different places of your life.

So we go to the root, we do the surgery, and then we lay the new foundation and we build from there.

And so with I am adamant believer, without self love, you will accept bread crumbs and convince yourself it’s a feast because you don’t even think you’re worthy.

10:54

That’s right.

That’s right.

Part of what or I mean not all of what you do combines like the sort of the traditional clinical psychology side with the holistic practices.

So can you expand a little on that, like what holistic practices so that people kind of understand more exactly, you know, what that process is?

11:17

Yeah, So I rarely work with clients in chairs.

Right?

Like, so it’s on the ground, it’s movement, it’s very erotic, it’s very sensual because we were not meant to sit super sedentary.

We as women, when you think about it, we are the flow, right?

Just it’s, it’s no coincidence that we have a 28 day cycle.

11:34

The moon also has a 28 day cycle.

The sun is always the same.

It is static.

So as women, we were not meant to just sit in chairs and talk therapy and use the cerebral space for all of it.

Our answers are in our root chakra, so our womb space in between our thighs.

11:50

Our answers are, are in that part of our body.

But when you don’t have connection to that part of your body, you feel ashamed in a world culture that has shamed us from any kind of connection there, thinking that that part of our body was for other people’s pleasure.

You can see how you don’t even hear yourself.

12:06

You don’t even know the answer.

So you look around and you’re like, well, Aunt Susan said to do that.

And that that TV commercial said that will be the way to happiness.

And and I think that looks like the good thing.

So I teach women how to root from within.

Your super highway to all your answers is right through your sensuality.

12:22

So my work gets women into the deep sensuality of their bodies.

I’m like, curious how you get someone there?

Like I, I hear the words that you’re saying, but I, I, I can’t feel like I can sort of envision what going through that process is like.

12:40

Yeah, that’ll be happening on the stage of Magnetic.

But for my clients who work with me, it is a trust process.

Like we’re building trust, right?

We’re building this foundation and and I ask very clarifying questions within the 1st 10 minutes of working with them where they can self identify that is this working?

12:59

No.

Has this worked?

No, has.

OK, Are you ready to try something different from a woman who’s been doing something different for 25 years and has insane results around the world?

Yes, I am.

OK, great.

So then we start to build the trust, right?

And then we go there and I demonstrate whether I’m on Zoom or in a room, I am right there doing it with my client.

13:17

I leave through demonstration first and then I do it with them.

I’m on the floor next to them because I’m not some pedestalized version of some therapist or guru who thinks I’m better than anyone.

I’m right there in the trenches.

And that’s why my clients trust me.

That’s why they get epic results, because we do this in sisterhood together.

13:36

Yeah, you.

Talk a lot about, you know, creating this space, your community of like a trusted space for women, which if everybody just stops for a second and thinks about like, where do I go right now where I can be completely myself.

13:55

I could say whatever I want.

I could do whatever I want.

And there’s no judgement.

And I, I, I struggle with that.

I mean, in my life now I know what that is, but I got to tell you that’s only recent or I’m completely alone, but I can’t be with other people.

14:14

What are they going to say?

What are they going to think?

Every time Jessica and I are on Zoom, half the time I’m fixing my hair every two seconds because I can’t stand looking at it.

And I don’t care about my hair today because I’ve been listening to you like we’re bringing what’s real heat here.

14:30

Because when we’re present, when we’re actually present with our five senses, I’m not on the flight that I have in two hours.

I’m not on what happened last night in a conversation with somebody.

I’m here right now.

So when you are present, you don’t, you don’t even know what your hair looks like because I see your faces.

14:46

I, I’m, I’m listening to the questions.

I’m feeling my heartbeat for this conversation because I love this work.

We are so far removed from living a present life that that’s why it doesn’t feel beautiful, because we’re either in the past with regret or we’re in the future with worry and anxiety.

15:04

How in the hell are we supposed to feel sensual and alive when we’re not using our five senses to live?

OK, we’re going to get into the five senses and in one minute.

We’re just going to take a quick pause here because if you guys want exclusive access to our insider tips from moving through divorce and discovering your best self, then just listen and you can find out how.

15:23

It’s been more than 10 years since our divorces were final and Jessica’s been married and divorced again.

She’s a true ex expert.

We both had short and long term relationships now and now find ourselves navigating new careers, grown kids and the healthiest relationships with others and ourselves.

15:42

We share our hits and misses, but only in our weekly newsletter.

You can sign up at EX experts.com or just visit our website.

We have a friendly little pop up that’ll give you a space where you can sign up to get the insider hacks on how we have moved on successfully beyond our divorce.

16:00

You don’t know what you don’t know, but the ex Experts.

Do so, Doctor Amanda, let’s get into those five senses because for everybody out there, you know, I don’t know, I see your ring.

So presumably you’re married.

16:16

Not sure that you’ve ever been divorced.

So like that is a real thing.

Like as women are getting divorced, it’s like, who am I?

Where am I?

Like I’m the mother of of these kids.

If they have a family, I was the spouse of this person.

And then there’s so much in society that has all of this negativity around the idea of divorce.

16:34

Anyway.

Some people out there will make you feel like you’re a terrible person and so selfish for having left a marriage that doesn’t work for you, that you’re going to screw up your kids forever.

Like it really is an inner struggle.

There’s a lot of turmoil of like, am I doing the right thing?

Am I going to like be the cause of all this now trauma moving forward, that now I’m causing all the generational trauma, those kinds of things.

16:57

So how did like for those out there thinking about getting divorced, going through the process of divorce, having been finished and still struggling with this, like, what can you tell us?

Help us help them, yeah.

Yes, absolutely.

Well, trauma, trauma.

17:13

Divorce doesn’t cause trauma.

The way the divorce is handled is what causes trauma.

You know, my parents divorced cause extreme trauma on me and when I filed for divorce 15 years ago and we ended up reconciling and and working on some things.

But when I did, I was I said we were going to be as best of friends as we could be because I refused.

17:34

Just because we decided that our path had come to an end would have been unfair to to have my children suffer for it.

So I would never have put them through what my parents put me through.

They didn’t do it willingly.

Obviously.

They had very little education and resources.

We have so much more now available to us, so I just want women to hear whoever’s listening.

17:51

Divorce is not what’s traumatizing.

It’s the way the divorce is handled that’s traumatizing.

I also think that while we continue to center our identity on who we serve, we will forever be on a very slippery slope and not feeling fully alive.

18:08

If so, when I run groups with women, if I have 20-30 women in a room, I’ll say to them, OK, we’re going to open up the circle.

Everyone go around and introduce themselves.

Don’t tell me if you’re married.

I don’t want to know if you have children and I don’t want to know where you work.

Tell me about your soul.

Who are you as a being?

18:24

And women start crying.

Women are totally blank.

They have nothing to say.

And, and I do that to showcase that we have built a life and a belief system that we are only as good as the person standing next to us.

We’re only as good as who we’re serving.

We have got to break up with that insulting narrative.

18:42

I am.

Yes, I’m a mother, yes, I’m a wife.

But quite honestly, those are the least interesting things about me.

I’m a fascinating woman and being and I run an epic business.

I’ve created an incredible thing for the world that is unbelievable.

So we miss so much of what we were made to come here and do when we stay in service to others.

19:03

Do I love being in service at times to my family?

Sure, absolutely.

Is it quite honestly, is it the thing that really gets me going?

Like I can’t wait to get up and make a huge breakfast for everyone this Sunday.

No it’s not actually.

Doesn’t make me happy at all.

19:18

So I order it in or I hire someone because it doesn’t.

And I am not ashamed to say that homemaking and all the house stuff and decorating for the holidays does not bring me joy.

It doesn’t make me less of a woman.

But let me ask you, so you’re saying so in terms of defining yourself, you’re talking about this incredible business that you’ve built helping other women and, and, and helping them to identify with all of this.

19:41

I feel like there are a lot of people who identify themselves with their career and that’s sort of what you’re doing and like, but then is that is that better than identifying as like the mom or?

19:59

This is something that I’ve.

Made.

Well, for me, this is something I’ve made from my soulfulness, from a dream, right?

It, it’s the, the writing of the book came from a words that were coming on the page so fast I could barely get them on my computer, right.

So I’ve created a piece of art, this temple, if you will, the work that I do, I see it as this temple space for women.

20:19

So I see it as a reflection of my soul, my beingness, like overflowing back out into the world.

Also, everything that I teach, everything I do.

So all of my work that I take clients through ours is part of my daily living.

20:35

It’s a lifestyle.

So is this Yeah.

So if tomorrow this business was like, you know what, I’m done with this.

Nothing changes for me.

I just decided I wanted to share this beauty of how I’ve I’m living with the world because it’s so epic.

But this will continue to be me.

20:50

If the if I decide tomorrow I’m done with the business, I’m going to go sale the Med.

I’m still going to do these things every day because now I just have a megaphone and I’m sharing it with the world.

I love how you tap into your authentic self.

And I think that’s definitely what most women and men struggle with going through, you know, you know, considering divorce, moving through divorce.

21:15

And then there’s the separation period.

Everyone’s like, oh, where’s your divorce?

Well, you’re not really divorced.

You’re like separated for four years where you’re still like really stumbling.

And then not until there was a piece of paper that says Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, this is what your life looks like for the next however many years until your kids emancipated.

21:34

You’re stumbling and, and it’s very hard.

And, and I talk, Jessica and I talk about this all the time.

Every time I go to a doctor, it annoys me that I have to indicate if I’m single, married, widowed, whatever.

I go, I’m shaking up with a guy.

21:50

Is that on there like what you got for me?

Because none of these are going to work for me and I’m still going to pay my OK.

What else do you want to know about my personal life?

So, but a lot of people walk around and you know, so are you married?

You’re divorced?

Like, what’s your marriage like?

22:06

What is the value of your business?

Do you like me?

Are we going to be friends?

Tell me more.

I think a more beautiful question is tell me about your heart, right?

Tell me who you are like great, but but that is society and a lot of people walk around with a chip on their shoulder from divorce and then a bigger chip if you were married to a difficult person and then an even bigger chip if you still have to deal with that difficult person.

22:31

And now there’s alienation between your kids.

Like it just the pile keeps growing.

So I know you said it comes back to self love and all of that, but this is redefining you.

I mean, who are you?

This whole journey of who you are and starting over again in your middle of your life where everything feels like it’s falling apart underneath you.

22:54

I’m coming back to a question I asked a little while ago.

Like what is literally the first step to crawl out of the hole?

What what is the thing that makes you realize, holy shit, I’m out?

Like what, how do I, how does somebody get there?

23:09

That’s what I really want you to.

You may not have the exact answer because it’s different for everybody, but something.

Yeah.

So you’re, you’re wanting me to answer the question, how do you define like I need to get out of this marriage or how do I get out of the loop of suffering that I’m not as worthy because I’m divorced now, I guess I.

23:27

Recognize that I deserve better and deserve better and leave and leave this marriage, even though it’s stable and it it’s, you know, the other parent of my kids and it helps ride a roof over my head like all of those things.

23:42

But you’re like in your heart.

It’s just not working.

So damaging.

Right.

Well, I mean, I think it goes back to the same answer I said in the beginning when you build a foundation, and I wish that it was, and this is what I what sometimes is, is madding is I know everybody wants A1 clip sentence answer.

24:01

I know you do.

I know everybody does.

And and that’s why my work is so transformational because it’s a journey.

If you’ve spent 30405060 decades under one belief system, one sentence that I say right now is not going to be this like, oh, well, now I get it.

My work is so much it would be insulting to to even my work put a sentence on it.

24:21

But again, it’s building that foundation of self love where you are so incompatible with mistreatment.

It doesn’t even cross your mind.

It’s like it.

The thought of it is it’s just there.

No, because what has to happen is you have to become the way you become incompatible is I would never be an energetic match for a man who spoke disrespectfully for me to me.

24:45

But you know how?

Because I don’t speak disrespectfully to myself, I don’t have thoughts in my head to say, oh, you’re looking really old, Amanda.

Oh, that was really stupid when you said that.

Oh, you should.

If I am already running that narrative in my own head, of course it will be easy to me for me to accept it from a partner.

If I lie to myself, of course I’m going to allow him to lie to me, right?

25:04

If I berate myself, of course I’m going to let him shame me and berate me.

But when I don’t allow it from within, I would.

I’m literally not a match to it, so the work is inside.

It wouldn’t even.

We wouldn’t be together for 30 more seconds if he said something disrespectful to me because that’s how compatible I’ve become.

25:22

I, I find that so fascinating and I love that philosophy and I feel like everyone listening like one thing that people also have to consider is I feel like there’s for whatever reason, because of the fact that we don’t always like have a lot of self worth or, or things like that, there’s people will allow like a spectrum, right?

25:40

So like someone might be like, that is totally unacceptable behavior and someone else might be like, well, like that to them, it’s OK to that person, it’s not.

And I feel like probably within your work, like people are moving across the spectrum, like what they might have been open to in the beginning, which isn’t like, outwardly horrific, but like, as they are transforming within it, like looking back and like, yeah, that was kind of small, but now it’s just not OK.

26:13

Like do you find that with your work?

Absolutely, and I think that the small things we can excuse away, but the small things end up layering and getting bigger and bigger because the person’s like, oh, you know, I have women who are in the in the phase right now of exiting a marriage.

26:28

And but they said for years to the person, I I’m not going to keep tolerating this.

And I say to them, but you do, but you keep saying you haven’t changed anything behaviorally.

So he’s laughing at you because you keep saying this is unfair.

I can’t believe you did this, but you allowed it and you stayed.

26:46

You didn’t up the standard.

You can’t up the standard for what you expect when you don’t change anything within you, You’re you’re a match to that person.

And so the work I do is women get divorces.

I help them look at how did you even get into that marriage?

Because marriages don’t overnight just implode marriages it it’s a building.

27:04

There’s always red flags, right?

Even if they’re subtle and we excuse them away or we we’re saying, oh, it’s not that big a deal, or I can fix him or the marriage will make it better.

And so my work then is to come alongside the woman and help her.

Look at what about you thought that any of that was fair treatment?

27:22

What about you actually believe that was love?

That would be a breadcrumb I’d be choking on.

I would have died the first time.

How did you get right?

So what I want to help you do is get to the point where you wouldn’t even entertain the idea.

It would be insulting to even think about it, right?

27:37

So like getting women to that place.

And then what happens is most women that I work with get to this place of like Amanda.

I’ve never felt so liberated in my life.

I now men or love relationships.

27:52

Not that women aren’t still dating or still having, you know, incredible sex.

They’re like it was taking up so much bandwidth.

I wasted so much of my energetic and and mental capacities and resources.

Now I travel around the world with my girlfriends.

28:07

I have women move out of 8009 thousand square foot homes into one bedroom like little apartment studios, reimagine and decorate every nook, every cranny, every corner, have dinner parties, have dance parties are their whole life.

They’re like, Oh my God, I’m free.

I because they’ve deconstructed this story that men are supposed to be the center.

28:26

And I think when you get to your 50s and beyond, there’s like a whole new world that opens because all of a sudden it’s it’s just not, it doesn’t bring enough value anymore.

You know, only 30% of men are doing any self development.

So if we don’t start to see more and more men step into change and creation and evolution for themselves, there’s this idea of like really getting left behind because I think women are hiring their standards to a point we’d rather just be with our girlfriends than a low level relationship.

28:56

You know, I look at couples at restaurants now and I see tables of women and I observe this everywhere I go, even last night, tables of like women together, laughing, chatting and conversation.

And then I see lots of couples together and there’s like everyone’s looking around at everyone else.

And I thought, why do we keep pretending that this is enough for our one and only life?

29:15

Why do we act like this is the end all be all?

So women stay and they’re miserable.

You know, even marriages that stay together, I want listeners to hear most marriages that stay together.

People aren’t happy.

That’s right.

People are still together.

Doesn’t mean that they think.

Everybody strives for us to be in a relationship that is the equivalent of what you’re saying.

29:36

Like the women with their girlfriends, like, right?

Like, who doesn’t want to be with someone who’s gonna like.

Be able to light them up.

Light them up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I, I, I was that woman in that marriage allowing all of that stuff.

29:52

And I have to say that first of all, a a really excellent therapist helped me along my way, but taking accountability too, like you were saying, yes, you allowed it.

Yes, I allowed horrible behavior towards me and in general around me, like toxic and really be constructing.

30:16

That was a humbling experience.

But that is the only reason I am where I am today.

That’s it.

I’m done.

I’m out.

I could feel it coming a mile away.

I could like feel the energy of dad stuff and and I walk away from it and I’ve I’ve thrown out trash as far as friends and relationships.

30:36

I’m like, you’re not really serving me anymore.

This isn’t working.

But we’ve been together so long.

Yeah, it’s probably too long.

And I got I got to go.

And I think that that’s thing you have to have like your radar out.

You know you don’t don’t be, don’t be closed down to meeting people, but as soon as you feel something, just make the decision in your head.

30:58

As soon as you say it out loud to yourself or you write it in your journal.

For me, that was like, OK, I’m going to go back and read that again.

I am not good because you your head’s telling you something.

But if you write it down, I’m like, oh wait, I I have been fooling myself.

31:17

I’ve been lying to myself.

I believe the lies I was telling everybody else, but I wrote down something different.

It’s so powerful, you know, and I, I talk to women a lot about when we get into these relationships, we are often saying yes and making commitments in our Princess era.

31:37

We’re still in that like victimy wounded Princess, like rescue me from the tower.

And when I find my Prince, everything will be beautiful.

And then what happens if you do the work and you evolve into this queen who sources from within first and foremost, You then wake up one day and you look around and a lot of the things you said yes to, whether it was the job or the people or behaviors, just it, it’s no harm, no foul.

32:00

It doesn’t mean anybody’s wrong.

It just means it’s no longer a match.

So the more I’ve stepped into Queen, the more I can identify within milliseconds, that’s not a match for me, that’s not a match for me, that’s not a yes for me, right?

And so I think that’s also part of the work is helping women like construct to shed off that scratchy little dress that we were playing dress up in and to own like this, the beautiful gown and say, and now I’ve stepped into the energy of a queen and to have proximity to me is going to require you to show up a different way.

32:31

And I, people always ask me like, what kind of boundaries do you set?

I, I’ve never, I don’t set boundaries at all.

I just act accordingly to who I am.

And then people will self select and pretty quickly because it’s, it’s, it can be harder to be around a woman who’s very clear energetically about what kind of conversation she’ll be a part of about the way she will or will not participate in certain things.

32:54

So you don’t really have to set boundaries.

You just have to be so rooted in who you are and people will either naturally gravitate towards that in their clean energy or not.

So you just again, you just become incompatible where you don’t have to even set boundaries.

33:09

I don’t have to sit down and say to my husband, these things are not acceptable.

It’s very clear in our marriage, in both directions, what is and what is not acceptable.

Yeah, I, I love all of that.

I mean, the messaging is so strong.

And one of the things that you made note of earlier is that you’re no less worthy because you are divorced.

33:33

I think it’s the bravest, the bravest thing actually, in a world that tells women they’re only as worthy as the person they’re standing to, I think it’s the bravest damn thing to say no, I’m choosing myself.

I’m choosing myself and getting free.

And, and I also think the women or the world who judges people who are divorced secretly, you know what they’re judging.

33:52

Their own unhappiness.

Yes, and how damn free you are that you were brave enough to put put down and say I’m done.

Because secretly a lot of people are wishing they had the bravery to do that.

That’s what I actually think.

I think they’re judging, yeah.

Agreed.

All right, well, we’re going.

To see why I’m crushing on this woman, she has a podcast, she has a book coming out, she has a sisterhood community, the Muses.

34:16

I mean, check her out, Doctor Amanda Hansen.

I just and if you’re in the Arizona area, she has an event coming up in November.

Her magnetic live event?

Totally.

So if you want to check out all of her offerings, see the show notes.

And if you laughed and learned during this podcast episode of Divorce etc…, we’d be grateful if you’d spend one minute giving us five stars and leaving a quick comment.

34:38

We are on a mission to educate, empower and support anyone touched by divorce.

Your divorce doesn’t define you.

It empowers you.

We’ve lived it, so we get it.

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