The Diary of a Survivor During Domestic Violence Awareness Month

Every Labor Day I find myself saddened as the days get shorter and Summer comes to an end. It’s not just the change of season that weighs heavily on me. The Fall season surfaces a lot of trauma for me, and as a result, my body feels it. October is particularly challenging, and it’s a shock to many when they find out why.

October has widely become known as “Domestic Violence Awareness Month”. This initiative is part of a much broader awareness trend, with many—particularly in the highly profitable divorce industry—jumping on the bandwagon. Unfortunately, there’s little concrete evidence that the awareness campaign has created any meaningful change, and I am often left feeling as though most of it is lip service.

Is the increased awareness helpful? Absolutely! But there’s still a critical piece missing—men. While women are at the forefront of advocating, educating, and raising awareness about domestic abuse, men have largely stayed on the sidelines. Their silence allows the cycle of abuse to continue unchecked, turning them into the proverbial neighbor who chooses not to intervene—the bystander who looks the other way. For real change to happen, men need to step up, actively engage, and challenge the culture that enables domestic abuse to continue.

The apathy of men has perpetuated the cycle of domestic abuse in this country. By remaining seemingly uninvolved and uninterested, the problem continues unchecked. The problem remains that we have a culture where abuse is seen as ”someone else’s issue” rather than a collective responsibility. Real change requires active participation from everyone, especially men, to help dismantle the systems that has enabled domestic abuse to flourish.

One of these systems is Family Court. Perpetrators of domestic abuse and coercive control need to be held accountable. Sadly throughout my Family Court tenure I learned that this rarely happens. Family Court has become a legal playground for abusers, who manipulate the system to continue their control. Far too often, the system works against survivors, leaving them not only re-traumatized but also emotionally shattered and financially drained, with little recourse for justice and safety.

I have come to the unfortunate realization that most people are reluctant to confront the harsh reality that domestic abuse survivors face when they leave an abusive relationship and enter the Family Court system. Here’s the truth: Family Court does not protect victims

and their children when they leave an abusive relationship. Oftentimes Family Court actually places victims in dangerous situations and perpetuates the cycle of abuse. Why? The Court’s primary focus is maintaining parental involvement, even when one parent is an abuser. The emphasis on co-parenting forces victims into having ongoing contact with their abuser, creating a legal conduit through which the abuse continues. By ordering shared custody or visitation without considering the dynamics of domestic abuse the Court enables abusers to manipulate, intimidate, and exert control over their victims long after the relationship has ended.

My hope is that everyone involved in the Family Court system – including men who have witnessed firsthand how abusers perpetuate the cycle of abuse, becomes an ally in our mission to reform Family Court. By prioritizing child safety and protecting victims of domestic abuse, we can create a system that truly understands the dynamics of coercive control and prevents abusers from using the court as a tool for continued harm. Meaningful change requires collective effort, and with greater awareness and collaboration, we can build a safer, more just environment for survivors and their children.

Despite what others will say, I do believe that a vast majority of men are good, value-oriented people who do not condone male violence. Unfortunately by taking on the passive neighbor role they have let a small fraction of abusive men control the narrative. The statistics are staggering; 10 million children witness some form of domestic abuse each year, boys who witness domestic abuse are two times as likely to abuse their partners or children, a woman is beaten every nine seconds in America, 1 in 3 women have suffered from domestic abuse, and 3 women are murdered each day by a former intimate partner. These statistics represent a man’s mother, partner, daughter, cousin, niece or friend.

We know that what we tolerate never changes. That’s why we need to end the status quo. If you have a platform, please use it. Be an active bystander, set a strong example for your children, stop laughing at jokes that trivialize violence against women. Most importantly, take action by confronting the men in your life who show disrespect or violence toward women. If you are involved with Family Court, call out the mis-use and manipulation of the system, support survivors, believe them. There is so much you can do.

Change starts with each of us, and a collective effort will help to create a world where domestic abuse is no longer tolerated. Violence against women is a choice, and so is looking the other way.

Xo – Courtney

Photo by Molly Blackbird on Unsplash