FULL TRANSCRIPT

You’re prepping for divorce or even post divorce and want to know how to protect your money once it’s over.

This is a big point for so many women.

Yes, managing the money during your divorce needs to be done.

But in today’s episode of the Divorce Etc… podcast, we’re talking all about what to do as you prepare and once your post divorce, plus how to leverage resources to make your divorce less expensive and less hostile.

0:25

We’re the exEXPERTS, Jessica and T.H.

We help you navigate your divorce and successfully move on with your life.

Let’s get started.

Hey, Nikki Tucker.

She is a personal financial strategist joining our show today, and she has some very new perspectives, at least new for me in my ears regarding prenups in a second marriage, regarding why she chooses to help you pre and post divorce.

0:54

Those are really important times.

She is available during the hard, hard process itself.

But we’re going to get into all of these things, all about the money and everything you need to know.

So welcome to the show, Nikki.

Thank you.

Thanks for having me.

1:10

Very happy to be here.

Thanks so much for being here.

I mean, money is money and kids.

They’re probably.

Equal, I mean the most important and scary aspects of divorce when you’re working with people like, what made you decide to really focus more on the kind of the before part and the after part as opposed to like in the thick of it?

1:33

Well, a couple of different reasons.

So I think the biggest thing was there’s a lot of people focusing on the during and not enough people focusing on the pre, the preparation, the consideration phase.

As we all know, that doesn’t happen overnight.

1:50

No one wakes up and they’re like, I think I want a divorce today, right?

So it’s, it’s a lot of time that someone is thinking about it, 369 months or years.

And during that time they could actually be preparing regardless of whether they get a divorce or not.

2:07

And I always say that I have no vested interest in getting a divorce.

I want you to stay a happily married if that’s possible.

However, if you know you’re leaning towards it, there’s a lot of things that you can do to save money and to like make the nightmare not so scary.

2:23

So also that’s what made me focus on.

It I would also think that whatever you’re doing, we talk a lot about financial literacy and the fact that stereotypically a lot of women are clueless when it comes to what they have, where it is, how it’s invested, what’s available.

2:42

I would imagine that if you’re working with people during the prep phase, even if they don’t get divorced, isn’t that just all essential information for them to have moving forward?

Oh, absolutely.

There’s no one that will walk away from the process and think, I wish I didn’t know how much money I had.

3:01

I hate that I know how much debt I have now.

Right.

So it’s, it’s this position of power that you put yourself in because now you’re more informed and when you have more information, you have more control.

And managing your money is a lot about clarity and control and just being confident in the decisions that you’re making because you know what you have.

3:21

Yeah, but people are scared.

People have maybe that wasn’t their role in their marriage and they defaulted to their partner to take care of these things.

And, you know, how do you encourage someone?

Look, we can tell them, you know, if you don’t have money, you’re screwed.

3:38

You know, we could scare everybody till, you know, whenever, but in a kinder way, how do we tell our audience who’s like, I’m just really unhappy?

And by the way, it may not lead to divorce, but you still need to know the numbers.

3:54

Exactly you could.

Lose a spouse you could.

A million things can happen when you’re like holy shit I know nothing.

If you are that person right now who knows nothing about the money, regardless of how happy or unhappy you are in your relationship, this show is for you.

4:13

So what are some of the things they need to start thinking about?

Where do they even start to learn?

Like, what is financial literacy?

And you know, it’s a big word that everyone’s using now.

I’m just like a say at home mom.

I don’t know anything about the money.

4:30

That wasn’t my job, Nikki.

Where do I begin?

Well you touched on so many good points TH I don’t even know where to start.

All over the place.

All over the place.

So I’ll start off by saying it doesn’t matter what you’ve done in the past.

So if you’ve never been a part of discussions, if you’ve never been actively informed, being financially literate is one thing, Being financially engaged is a totally different thing.

4:57

So we’re talking about people being financially engaged, which just means on the most basic level where you start our conversations.

OK, So if you’ve never had conversations because you’ve been married for 20 years, So what?

I don’t care. 20 year day two, you’re having conversations about money.

5:14

It’s very simple and I know that can still be intimidating and scary, but you brought up other points.

Even if it’s not divorced, there are other things that happens.

So yes, I’m a financial professional.

I’m a certified divorced financial analyst.

However, I’m also a widow and so I’ve been in this.

5:30

Seat.

I am personally a widow, so I’ve been in the seat of someone dying unexpectedly that you share a life with.

And you have to make a lot of decisions in a short amount of time.

And so if you are financially engaged or financially informed, then it is easier during a very difficult time to make some of those decisions because you’ve had conversations.

5:55

So I’ll say it again, Conversations is the 1st place to start.

I.

Think a lot of times, though, with people who are thinking about getting divorced, maybe their relationship’s on the rocks.

And we’ve spoken to people who are afraid to initiate the conversations because they’re afraid that’s going to be a red flag to their spouse.

6:12

Like we’ve been married all this time and I’ve never been involved in the finances.

So now why am I asking these questions?

And So what do you say to people who say that to you?

So you this is where you have to know your spouse or your soon to be ex and depending on their personality type and what it is they’re into.

6:33

And that’s one of the things that I work with clients on.

If they are the person that enjoys like having fun and doing fun things, then you might have to do a little trickery.

I’m not saying be deceitful, but but incorporate the questions and the conversations in a way that seems light and not, hey, we need to talk right or let’s sit down and schedule a date.

6:59

It might have to be softer and you can put a spin, for lack of a better phrase on it to say, hey, I know you really enjoy doing XYZ, whatever that fun thing is.

And I enjoy doing 123 XYZ, whatever it is.

And so we’re, I’m trying to figure out how we can do more of that.

7:17

And it got me to thinking about like our financial circumstances.

And I know we haven’t talked about it, but again, you love this and I love that.

So just thinking about ABC 123, just think about different ways to incorporate it.

Watch a movie that you know, again, you have information in your back pocket that touches on topics about marriage and money or divorce and money.

7:39

And then saying, that’s crazy.

What did you think about that scene or what, what would you do if that were us?

There are different things that you can do depending on who you’re married to and if it’s safe.

I never want to encourage someone to do something that makes them feel unsafe, right?

7:56

But if it’s safe to have the conversation, then you’re doing it from the perspective where you’re thinking about who you’re married to and what’s most likely to get them to open up.

What circumstance, what environment, what time of day, what time of year those things come into play?

8:15

I have another suggestion also, you can just blame it on the show.

Like, you know what, I just listened to this show, this podcast, and they’re talking about, you know, if you should know XY and Z.

It’s not unusual to say I was scrolling through TikTok or I found on YouTube the five things that all women should know about money.

8:37

You could literally make it up.

But I’m sure it’s out there and be like, I know nothing.

I kind of want to know.

And so blame it on whatever, you know, I mean, if the time is right and all that, that’s I’m, I’m all for it.

8:54

Otherwise, totally blame it on us.

Yeah, all here.

You heard the show.

You were told that you need to know these things about the money.

So what do you, what in your experience are like the top concerns that people come to you with that are relatable for everybody listening who’s either thinking about going through divorce finished up, what are those things?

9:25

The main things are how much is this going to cost me?

What should I expect in this process?

How long will this take?

Will I be able to keep a roof over my head and food on my table?

And how will my children be impacted?

9:44

And the children piece generally takes priority.

It depends a lot on the age of your children and stages and all of that.

But are they going to be able to stay in the same school district?

Will they be able to stay in the same activities?

10:00

If you have kids who are very active, who play sports, we all know that those fees and registration costs and all of that can can add up, right?

It’s a lot.

So most of the concerns are about how will my day-to-day life be impacted for myself and my children and what the hell should I expect in this process that I’ve never been through before?

10:25

If you’ve never been divorced.

And how do you comfort them?

Information is your friend.

So even in our main signature offer for people who are pre divorced, it’s called the Silent Preparation Series.

10:41

And it’s called that for a reason because you can prepare without anyone knowing and get a lot of information upfront.

So whether you’re using something like SPS, whether you’re listening to binging on podcasts like yours, whether you’re reading books, searching through Google information helps to alleviate fear.

11:01

People are afraid when they don’t know what they don’t know.

And so it sounds oversimplified, but I really encourage people and my clients to on the most basic level, and now it’s time to start gathering information and collect information.

11:18

And you really only take action when you know if you have no direction, it’s just it’s just never going to happen.

There’s no accountability.

You could just be nonchalant to it, but as soon as you get an inkling of information that’s interesting and how long will that last and what does that mean for me?

11:38

And how is that going to be for me in the house and what can I afford?

So don’t be afraid to learn because then at least you can make an educated decision.

You don’t want other people making decisions for you regarding your money, right?

That would not be good.

11:54

So right now, are you guys thinking shit?

I’ve got a lot of questions.

Well, don’t worry, we won’t leave you without the answers.

So write your question down right now and write down this e-mail hello@exexperts.com and we will get you an answer right away.

12:15

Those emails come directly to us.

Even if it’s not, even if your questions not directly related to this podcast episode, we’ve totally got your back.

If you don’t even know where to start and are feeling kind of lost, join the club.

You are not alone.

12:30

We will work with you.

We will clear the clutter in your brain and help you focus on what’s most important right now while planning for what’s next in life and in divorce.

You don’t know what you don’t know, but we sure as hell do and we’re waiting to hear from you.

12:46

So just e-mail us hello@exexperts.com.

So tell us about this silent preparation series, because I think that it’s, like we said before it something that really could be useful for people regardless, even if they’re not going through divorce, just being able to prepare yourself for having a clear, transparent vision of what your household finances are.

13:13

Yeah.

So there’s there’s two aspects for Silent preparation series there.

Silent Preparation Series 1, which is specifically for women who are intending to divorce or considering divorce.

And I say women, not that a man can buy it, you can, but I primarily work with women.

13:31

And so that gives a lot of information, but it’s consolidated and categorized or organized in a way that makes it very easy to go through.

And so it’s an online digital program that has an ultimate divorce resource guide attached to it.

13:48

It’s like 50-60 pages of information.

It explains everything you need to know about the types of professionals that can help you, podcasts like yours, books, websites, if you want an online divorce, if you’re trying to do a pro Southeast, if you’ve never heard of collaborative divorce processes.

14:06

It goes through all of that.

OK.

And then the other side of it, to your point, women who are considering getting married for the first time or getting remarried and they want to make sure that they have an inventory of everything that they owned.

14:22

So post marriage or post divorce, you generally have a pretty good understanding of where you stand because you just had to go through a bunch of shit to figure it out.

However, over time you tend to lose sight of that a little bit just because life is lifing.

14:38

And so this allows you, if you happen to fall in love again and are thinking about where’s that document that has all the stuff that I own or that I owe and the dates associated with that information values, all of that.

14:54

That’s the other aspect of silent preparation series.

So trying to tackle both angles because we know the need is there.

I love that you’re going to meet people where they are.

And also don’t be overwhelmed by it.

Just because Nikki’s offering you a ton of resources doesn’t mean you have to read it all in one night.

15:15

Take it in little chunks.

You can e-mail her.

We’re going to have a link to this program in the show notes and also at xexperts.com.

And I just, I can’t stress it enough.

Wait, Nikki, didn’t you and I talk about a cohabitation agreement?

15:31

We did.

We did.

OK, guys, that’s going to be another show.

But I’m fully happily living in sin, not married, and did create a cohabitation agreement with a lawyer who had never done it before.

15:46

But I just knew what I needed to have in it.

And, and look, let’s go back for a second to the hard conversations.

They’re hard and necessary.

I don’t know really.

I’m trying.

Maybe Jessica can translate for me because she can sometimes do that.

16:04

Like I feel like there are things that are necessary that are really hard and critical.

Like you don’t want to talk about your will.

You don’t want to talk about your health proxy.

Nobody wants to get on the scale when you go to the doctor’s office.

I mean, these are all things you don’t want to look at your credit card, but they are literally essential to your life.

16:26

Right.

I think it’s so you.

Have to do.

It, I think it’s about saying to your potential new partner, if you’re at that point where you’re going to be moving in together and or getting married again, like look, we have to have the really awkward, uncomfortable conversation.

I mean, you just have to put it out there like there’s no graceful way.

16:43

And there’s no good into a conversation.

About it, yeah.

But I think it’s that we have to have this very uncomfortable conversation, hopefully won’t be as bad as it could be.

But like, listen, people break up over prenups.

So you you have to have the conversation because if that if you can’t sustain through the conversation, then your relationship is not going to last.

17:06

It’s telling for sure.

It is, it could be a, a yellow flag as they say, if not a red flag.

And I, I think incorporating into the conversation or even when you tee it up, the fact that this is mutually beneficial.

I am not just thinking about myself, I’m thinking about you.

17:22

I’m thinking about your children.

If you have children, a partner, have children, think when you’re talking about these hard things, it’s not just selfish.

Hopefully if you love the person, right, you want them to be OK too.

You want them to be protected.

17:39

And so I think that’s the the piece that gets lost when we’re talking about things like cohabitation agreements or prenups.

It always feels very one sided generally by the person who’s bringing it up.

Like oh you only care about yourself and it’s no I care about you too right?

17:57

Right.

It was definitely difficult and and I, I know that he was like offended that I would even have to do this, but I’m just covering my ass.

I mean, that’s all.

And so you cover your ass too.

And we’re both covering our asses and that’s it.

18:14

Shit happens.

Shit happens.

So let’s get the ugly out of the way and then let’s just live happily ever after and that and that’s all there is to it.

So Nikki, tell me, wait, I just.

Want to ask a quick question.

Cause one, of cause, one of the points that Nikki had brought up before we started was learning how to leverage like common resources to make force less complicated and less hostile.

18:40

And I think that that is definitely a topic that our listeners would be very interested in hearing because we do have a lot of people.

There are a lot of very hostile, complicated divorces out there.

And what resources are you even referring to?

Yeah, I’m, I’m actually referring to very simple things.

18:58

So thankfully we live in the modern day world where there’s a lot of focus on particular personalities, particular behaviors.

So when you think about narcissist, that comes up a lot.

People who are in abusive relationships.

There are so many books and podcasts, articles, blogs that are focused on providing very tactical steps on how to maneuver through those situations.

19:25

So I know very often you feel overwhelmed based on the particular situation that you’re in and the person that you’re dealing with.

But I think sometimes we tend to overcomplicate, like, I don’t know what to do.

I don’t know where to go in this world today.

19:43

It’s almost impossible.

You may not know.

It’s like there’s so many resources they.

Don’t know so many resources, right?

And that was part of the reason why SPS Island Preparation series was born, because, yeah, you can spend a lot of time trying to Google things and research things on your own.

20:01

But if someone’s done the work for you, or if people have taken the time to have experts in their community and in their environment, then leverage that information.

Listen to those things.

You don’t.

Yeah, you.

You’ll be surprised at what you can uncover.

20:17

Just by diving deep into that stuff.

So that’s what I mean by leveraging resources.

And that is why we have X Experts Everybody and the Divorce ETC podcast.

We aggregate the best experts, the best information.

We are so much better than Google.

20:32

You should never Google the word divorce.

OK, that’s public service announcement.

Never Google the word divorce.

Just go to xexperts.com and you can find people like Nikki Tucker and learn all of these amazing things and get these programs.

So I mean.

20:50

You also say that like starting over after divorce is so scary and it can be really painful.

We know that you’ve come feel like you’re never going to be ready to.

You don’t understand how you’re going to get back to your old self, but you’re like that first action step is really what you need to get you on your way.

21:09

Now I will say, I mean, my brother is a financial advisor and so I work with him and his team and I just had my like annual, you know, session and it someone else was leading it and it was very helpful for me for her to be saying to me, here are the things I need from you.

21:27

Like I need a recent statement of your four O 1 Ki need you to send me a copy of your paycheck.

If you have a 529 for your kids.

I need to see the statement like letting someone tell you what to do is really helpful to be able to put things in order.

21:43

So is that also kind of what you’re referring to?

And you’re like the first action step?

Is it like reaching out so that someone can tell you these are the things in this linear fashion that you now need to do?

Yes and no.

So all of those things are very, very important and they’re essential to do on a consistent basis.

22:01

There’s actually one thing that I think is even simpler, particularly if you’re fresh off a divorce, and that is engaging what I call your financial feeling or your financial BFF.

And here’s why I say that when you are partnered, there is someone else who at least has a basic understanding of your financial life, what to do with your with the kids.

22:23

If anything happens, if anything goes wrong, if you go into the hospital and you just need someone to kind of step up and take over, you have a partner to do that.

When you are no longer partnered, then there’s a single source of dependency on you and particularly if you have kids.

22:40

So the thing that is from my perspective, really easy to do is it’s time for you to designate who your financial feeling is.

And so helping clients understand, well, how do I pick that person, right?

Who should that person be?

22:57

Well, one, it’s someone who’s extremely reliable.

It’s someone who’s very trustworthy.

They may be designated as the guardian of your children already.

They may have like the password to your alarm system or something in case think about those people.

23:14

But you need to make sure that there is someone else who knows what to do or can step up if something happens to you because now you’re no longer partner.

That’s like the basic of the basic because it won’t cost you a thing to do or it costs you anything to do.

It’s still so scary to think about, though.

23:30

I mean, that’s like you have to really dig deep.

Like you’re already going through all this trauma from the divorce and now it’s like you have to figure out who that person is.

It is scary.

I literally need a financial BFF.

Like I have someone to fill in for the health proxy.

23:48

I mean I don’t know.

I mean, but all the account numbers who to call where are probably great like it’s in my will.

Right.

I should probably look at my will again.

But there’s only so much information in Will, right?

24:05

It’s more high love for the most part.

But when we’re just talking about day-to-day, and I don’t want to be morbid, I’m not the morbid person here.

No, we’re not.

Just talking about.

That we’re not just talking about in the, in the event of you dying, right?

That’s worst case scenario.

Well, we’re saying like, oh, what if you break a leg?

24:22

Or what if, like what if something happens where you just need support and you need help?

That person just needs to be informed.

So back to your point, Jessica, about having money conversations with your financial advisor and your team.

That is absolutely important.

And like I said, you should do it consistently, But your financial feeling at least once a year, you all should be connecting as well.

24:43

They don’t need to know exactly how much money you have.

They don’t need to know like here’s my account number 1234, but you’re painting a picture for them to say in the event of like when I, when my son was a minor, he’s not anymore, but when he was a minor, minor, my financial feeling when I took a trip, I would call or e-mail and say just in case, in the event of this is where you find this, vote for this and this.

25:08

Right.

I mean, that’s so smart.

I mean, I never thought of that.

I’m just worried like who’s who’s we’re going to make the decision, right?

We’ll.

Get you one, you know we’ll get you.

One with the kids.

I want money so.

One thing that I realized that’s just a tip for everyone out there.

25:26

I should do a a post on this is that I when I got divorced, I didn’t immediately change my last name and I did about like a little less than a year ago.

I did.

And when I had the conversation last week about the financial stuff they brought to my attention, you know, all of your documents have your other last name on them.

25:52

So like not, I could probably just get a document what that says and sign it like, OK, this is my last name, This is all this is all still my paperwork, but they would prefer that I go back and like have everything redone with my other, my current last name.

26:10

So that really is like, I think just an important tip for everybody too, because it’s like the kind of stuff you don’t think about.

Like I didn’t even think about that.

I didn’t even realize that.

And now I’m like, Oh my God, I have all of this stuff with my old married last name on it.

So it’s something to consider and something to think about it.

26:26

If you’re having new documents drawn up, think about what your name is going to be moving forward.

Right.

That’s a great point, yeah.

Yeah.

So all right, what you own, what you owe and how much you’re worth is there.

26:45

Like, I mean, I feel like you’ve given a lot of really substantial tips, but like to for people out there who are still kind of worried about it or worried that their spouse is going to find out about it, is it about trying to do some of this work on their own or reaching out immediately to a CDFA?

27:05

It’s it’s a little bit of both.

There’s a lot of work that I think that most people, the average person, and unless they they are just paralyzed by the thought of this, most people can do this on your own.

You may need guidance.

And that’s when you’re reaching out to say, OK, I’ve kind of reached a fork in a row and I’m not exactly sure what this means or what to do.

27:26

But the collection of information you can do on your own.

And when you’re going through the divorce process, that’s a really big piece of discovery and getting these statements in that statement.

And if you’re married, hopefully, I know this is not the case for everyone, but hopefully you have access to those statements, too.

27:46

So why pay opposing counsel to have to go through the process of requesting them when you can just say here that thing you need it, I got it, and it won’t cost you any money.

So I think a lot of it you can do on your own.

Yeah.

That’s a conversation.

28:01

You just need to be accountable.

I mean, having a partner keeps you accountable.

And I had a conversation with, I have like a career coach woman who I work with.

She’s like, what is, what is, what’s the problem?

I’m like, I am the queen of procrastination right now.

28:18

I can’t do shit.

I got lists, I’m organized.

Nothing’s getting crossed off the list.

Like absolutely nothing.

I literally needed today’s session to be accountable to her.

I needed someone to be like, did you check anything off the list today?

28:37

Literally.

And so I have to text her tomorrow with what I checked off my list.

So it’s not a bad idea to reach out.

And you may not need that partner, an accountability partner forever.

But if you find yourself like I know I got to do all the things and nothing is getting done, just call us.

28:59

Yeah, I was going to say we’ll make you accountable.

And, and literally check in just to kind of ramp up a little bit and then you’re like, all right, I got this.

Or I really like talking to Nikki everyday.

So I’m just keeping her around.

29:14

So whichever it is, it’s, it’s OK to ask for help.

It’s actually a sign of strength, not weakness, to speak up and say I need some help.

Somebody please help me.

I want to move forward, but I can’t do it alone yet.

29:30

And you will, but not right now.

Agreed, upgrade such like important information for everyone to know and for everybody listening if you want to follow Nikki and find out more about her firm approach.

And the.

Silent preparation series.

29:46

See the show notes.

And if you learned anything during this episode of the Divorce Etc… podcast, we’d be so grateful if you’d spent just one minute giving us five stars and leaving a quick comment.

We’re on a mission to educate, empower, and support anyone touched by divorce.

Your divorce doesn’t define you, it empowers you.

30:02

We’ve lived it, so we get it it.

Please share this episode with anyone you know who can benefit from listening.

Have a great day.