Red flags, we hear about them and talk about them, but have you always really listened to your gut and paid attention to those red flags?

Well, if so, you’re definitely not the only one.

And your love, we’re about what you’re about to hear because today’s Divorce etc… podcast is with an author who writes about relationship red flags and more, which will help you whether you’re in a marriage that you think may not be working out or if you’re divorced now trying to find the right person in a new relationship.

0:29

We’re the exEXPERTS Jessica  and T.H.

We help you navigate your divorce and successfully move on with your life.

Let’s get started.

Guys, this is a good one.

Like you’re going to want to listen to this a few times and then take out your pencil and paper.

0:46

I write with a pencil and a paper, not type.

Anyway, meet Brianna McCabe, author of I’m holding up the book.

If you’re watching the video, the red flags I’ve repeatedly ignored.

We can all attest to doing that, whether that’s in a love relationship, our family, our friends, work relationship, like there’s tons of red flags around us and some are worth, you know, pursuing and others you might want to just be like, fuck it, I’m gonna ignore it.

1:16

So welcome to Divorce, etc.

I’m super excited to get into all of this with you, Brianna.

Thanks for having me guys.

I’m really, really excited.

I I heard you with Lindsay on, we met Acme and I was like, Jessica, we gotta get this now.

1:32

I mean, we have to dig deep and and hindsight is 2020, right?

Which is clear in your book when you’re going through it.

We’re all in the mud together with you.

But we are further ahead and Brianna is further ahead and has put it to paper to help you and also to validate your feelings right as you’re going through this.

1:55

So why don’t you start with a little back story?

Why did you even write this book?

Yeah, that’s a very common question and I love answering it.

So essentially what I like to tell people is my professional resume.

My 9:00 to 5:00 is very polished.

2:11

It’s it’s precise, it’s clean, it’s it’s articulate.

It’s very well couched.

But my 5:00 to 9:00, like I I like to joke of chasing bad boys and just these terribly unhealthy men.

It was just ruthless and miscalculated and just all over the place.

2:27

And I couldn’t quite understand why there was such a stark contrast between the two.

And essentially the the people and the relationships I was chasing after progressively got worse and worse and just brought me to lower and lower places in my life.

And I couldn’t understand.

2:44

So I was in a relationship with someone.

It was one of my, my last relationships and we can dive into that or we we don’t have to.

But essentially it just brought me to a place where I completely and utterly lost myself.

And I couldn’t believe that I allowed myself to put myself in such a situation like this when there were so many signs that I blatantly ignored.

3:05

And I started to kind of hate myself for that.

And I harbored a lot of resentment towards myself.

And there was just so many negative emotions that were flooding my mind and I couldn’t grasp.

I couldn’t grasp it and I didn’t know how to get out.

So the one thing I, I did to naturally get out of this, just given my nature of being somebody who likes to write, was I just started kind of venting and I just started writing on paper.

3:27

Like what happened?

What was the situation with this person?

How did I get here?

And then that situation with that person, I, I realized it was a snowball effect of the previous relationship and then the previous one from that.

And then it started from my childhood and all of these factors that started to accumulate that I really wanted to dissect.

3:44

And I realized when I was writing this and I was sharing these stories at first, you know, with just my friends, you know, I was like, oh, you remember this D bag or whatever that I dated.

And they were just like, you know, you’re, you seem like you, you hate yourself a little bit for having put up with this, but you realize you’re not alone, right?

4:03

Like, do you remember Sean that I used to date?

He was kind of like that.

And then in these conversations, I realized, you know, I wasn’t alone.

So I had to stop being so harsh on myself.

But I also had to take accountability for the role I played, but also start to heal and grow and understand what I could do to be better for, you know, my future self and also future relationships.

4:22

So I kind of created this self help book where I wanted to provide a road map to readers to help them realize, you know, you’re not alone.

If you’ve been through, like, some really shitty situations, it’s OK, But it’s important to recognize what happens.

4:38

Yeah.

And then to go from there.

How long were you in that last relationship and, and how old were you at the time?

Because I feel like people are going to be sort of wondering like, you know, where was that?

What?

What stage?

Yeah.

So that was pretty recent.

4:54

My it was pretty recently.

So we were together like two to three years.

I would say it started around 2019, went through COVID a little bit.

So, you know, a lot of variables that went on there.

But yeah, so that was my most recent relationship and I honestly haven’t been in a relationship since.

5:12

How did you get out?

Of it, I felt like, you know, I have Breakers when I was in the relationship with that person, which I think was a that was a, a massive red flag of my own and something I didn’t realize until I went to therapy.

5:32

But I guess everybody kind of, oh, I’m sorry.

I miss it.

What did you say was the massive red flag?

That I didn’t have any deal Breakers of my own so that was a massive red flag, yeah, but I think I.

Got tools you you got to give more exams like.

5:49

We’re all.

Talking above the cuff here, like 10 to the down and dirty.

What was it that you’re like, what the fuck am I doing?

And it feels the same way.

Even though he looks indifferent, he looks different and he sounds different than the other guy and the other guy before that.

6:06

What was like the thing that just kind of like woke you up with this?

Person particularly, and I believe strongly that he was a narcissist where there was a lot of gaslighting, that was love bombing, there was the whole shebang, which I dive into in the book.

6:24

But I think what happened with me is there was a lot of lying, there was a lot of manipulation, there was a lot of degradation where he just started to chisel me down, break me down, made me feel incredibly insecure.

He would poke fun at me.

He would just, you know, one of my insecurities is that I have A1 breast that’s bigger than the other.

6:41

And he kind of knew that, right?

And he would just everyday, you know, I’d, I’d be naked going in the shower and he would just be like, you know, you’re not the best looking naked.

And I would just take it on the chin over and over and over again.

And it made me so angry, but it also made me feel so ugly that no one would ever love me.

6:57

So it created this weird kind of container of a place that I was in mentally, But with this person, you know, he started to make me feel like he, I started to isolate myself from my friends and family out of like embarrassment and shame of still being with this person.

7:14

So that was a red flag.

But the biggest thing was, again, I stayed with this person for like 2 1/2 three years and I ended up getting pregnant, which I didn’t know could happen.

I actually was told I have PCOS.

I’m not, I’m not fertile.

So that was like a whole other issue.

7:29

But, you know, I got pregnant and I started miscarrying.

And the entire time he just like, completely left me.

I was bleeding through my sheets in and out of the hospital.

It was just like, no, you know, it was really miserable at the time.

And now I’m OK speaking about it, but it was just one of the most unhealthy situations I’ve ever been in.

7:51

And I was scared to tell my mom that I was going through this, which is also another huge red flag.

But the way that he was just never there for me, the way that he made me feel so low, the way that he would just completely berate me and believe me, the way that he would lie about things that he was doing, people he was seeing.

8:09

There was just so much that went into this relationship that I finally at one point was just like, I had enough.

And it wasn’t actually the miscarriage, which a lot of people were shocked by.

I stayed with him.

I took him back, which is, you know, that was something I just did.

8:25

But he was, he was in a, a Alcoholics Anonymous.

And I have mutual friends who were also in the program.

And at one point, somebody broke anonymity to let me know that in one of the meetings, he said, like, he wanted to kick my ass.

8:41

And he wished every day that, like the baby would, I would miscarry.

And it was just like, I was like, you know what?

I had enough.

Yeah.

So it was just, it was a lot.

So that was like my I’m done with this.

For people who are listening, who can relate to parts of your story all or parts back to my question of like, how did you get out?

9:01

Because I feel like for a lot of times we ignore red flags.

We end up in a relationship, even if it’s not to that extent.

It’s like, how do you extricate yourself?

And I feel like that’s so empowering and amazing and like the fact that you were able to get yourself together even feeling so low and getting out.

9:22

What would you say to other people?

Like how do they get out if they’re like, I don’t feel good about myself.

This relationship doesn’t make me feel good about myself.

Yeah, essentially what I had to do with this situation was because I feel like I was being abused on emotional and mental spiritual levels, I was.

9:41

I had to go no contact.

So in that specific case, what I had to do is I had to completely block this person from ever contacting me ever again.

Now, did it work entirely?

Did he find other ways of trying to reach out to me via e-mail, via fake accounts?

Like, absolutely.

9:57

Did I cave at some points and, you know, entertain it?

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t, but I had to keep reminding myself like I deserved more.

And what I really did was ultimately just rely on my friends and family as being the biggest support system ever.

10:13

And they would just tell me they, they would repeat to me the things that I wish I could have repeated to myself.

Like, you deserve more.

You are worthy of love.

You are going to be OK.

You’re not even going to really think about this, you know, a year from now, two years from now, stop looking at what he’s doing.

10:29

He, you know, so I just needed that positive loving and sometimes that tough love, you know, they would just be like, what are you doing?

Girl reinforcement.

I just, I yes.

So it was really, really, I can’t thank my friends and family enough.

They were the biggest catalyst for me there.

10:46

Then also, you know, I went to therapy, but I don’t think everybody necessarily.

It’s not the easiest sometimes finding a therapist that meshes with you, but thankfully I found 1.

So she absolutely helped.

Journaling helped me, writing helped me.

So there was a lot of positive factors that helped me kind of busy my mind and just work through what I was going through.

11:06

So for anybody who’s kind of in a situation where you feel like you’re you’re worthy of more and you’re deserving of more, you just have to find what fills your cup and makes you happy and will make you feel like you are making the right decision exiting this relationship.

Yeah, I, I, I was saved by a phone call, but I was in a similar situation in terms of my relationship with my ex.

11:33

I had three kids and we lived together even though he was never home.

And I like to think, and I tell everybody to this day, that if I hadn’t gotten that phone call, that I still would have found a way out because I literally was not functioning.

11:51

But I want to also say that there’s no judgement.

I mean, I, my, my, I have people in my life who are saying, you know, I told you he was doing this and I told you he was doing that and you weren’t listening and you wasted all these years and blah, blah, blah, blah.

12:07

And the truth is I just couldn’t find my way.

I just wasn’t strong enough yet.

I, I was beaten down and, and all the gaslighting, we believe it.

That’s why it’s gaslighting.

I just want everybody to understand that when somebody says something about your body and how you look, you believe them.

12:28

He’s right.

He’s he’s right.

There’s no fighting it.

There’s no positive voice that’s amplified in your brain saying, Brianna.

TH.

That’s not true.

It’s yeah, that’s fucking true.

You’re gross and stay home.

12:47

And so really the fact that you dug yourself out of all of this and the trauma of the pregnancy and all of it is like you are you are a leader in in letting other people know that maybe even if it’s like the softest voice to a friend being like, I think I need help, that that could then lead to a whole tribe that lifts you up.

13:15

And you know, you’re not alone.

It’s for everybody else who doesn’t feel they have that support as well, that we are all here.

That’s why.

We’re running the resource today for you.

We’re going to normalize it.

It’s OK.

Show is like the most, it’s a beautiful resource.

13:32

And I think you think you’re alone when you’re going through a situation like no one and you think like your situation when you’re in it.

There’s there’s no end sometimes, but there’s so much support out there and there’s so many people who have gone through things similar to you, maybe not exactly the same, but very similar.

13:49

And you can kind of just form this womanhood or this camaraderie and get through it together.

And I think that’s that’s the power of like human connection when it’s used in a positive light.

But yeah.

Yeah.

So I totally applaud you. 100 percent, 100%, You’re a freaking superhero.

14:06

But to the.

Point of people having similar life experiences like I want to know why people ignore the red flags and what are the most common red flags that people have shared with you that they have ignored themselves?

14:24

Yeah.

So I think that’s a very complex question with a complex answer why we rationalize and ignore red flags.

But at a very high level I tried to simplify it and I came up with the acronym root.

So the root cause of why we ignore them.

So the R being ROM coms and other forms of entertainment, the other O being obsolete self love, the other O being oppression of trauma and then the T being the pressure of society and timelines.

14:49

So I feel like when all of those factors are kind of interplaying, you know, we start to dismiss the signs that we see.

So for instance, you know, with ROM coms and other forms of entertainment, especially going back to Disney and all these forms of media that we consume, it’s kind of ingrained in our brains that, you know, females are more so kind of just like the counterparts of the male lead.

15:12

You know, you have the Mickey for the mini or the mini for the Mickey rather, yet the the, you know, the main Donald Duck.

You had olive oil to Popeye.

It’s just kind of like ingrained that we’re just supposed to be in that, in that kind of character in that form.

And it wasn’t until Snow White, right?

15:28

And so there was like a strong female lead.

So you’re watching this over and over.

Then you’re seeing it in ROM coms like I love Drew Barrymore, but never been kissed.

You know, she’s like yearning for a male’s, a male’s touch and attention.

So we’re watching it, we’re laughing, but it’s it’s subliminally being just shoved there.

15:44

Then like oppression of trauma.

So for me, right, like I was bullied growing up for being overweight and I, I battled with daddy issues and I, you know, was pretty poor growing up.

And that came with like a slew of other issues.

16:00

And everybody goes through something, right?

Like I’m not unique in that case, but everybody has something that has kind of molded them.

And when that goes kind of undiagnosed or unaware, untreated or uninvolved, you can let that kind of linger and kind of anchor you down and make you feel like you’re not enough, which then leads into obsolete self love.

16:19

So when you don’t love yourself and then you don’t have those, you don’t know how to treat yourself or talk to yourself with kindness or set those boundaries for how you want others to treat you.

You know, you’re, it’s just when you enter a romantic relationship, it’s kind of out the window, right?

So you have to set that stage yourself, you know, pour into yourself.

16:39

And it’s not always easy.

There’s days where I look in the mirror and I, you know, I, I might, might make some comments about my little kangaroo pouch of a belly, but then I kind of keep it moving.

I’m like, you’re still.

Cute girl, you got to.

You know, you got to go through the day and then the pressure of society.

So I feel like a lot of people, you know, even myself, I feel like I’m the movie 27 Dresses where I’m always the bridesmaid, never the bride.

17:01

And, you know, there’s this this pressure where especially as women, you want to kind of progress to that.

I want to be a wife and I want to be a mother one day.

Maybe if that’s your goal.

But you see everybody else around you getting chosen.

So then you start to think, why not me?

And then that might lead to you settling.

17:18

So I think there’s a lot of compounding factors that just leads to why we ignore these red flags.

So yeah, I’ll stop there and then we can go into some red flags.

Well, we’re going to just take a very quick break here.

17:34

I just want you guys all to know that every week Jessica and I come out with our personal notes where we really share our life hacks that we have now looking back, have been saviors and become tools for us in moving forward through and beyond our divorce.

17:50

So if you guys want to get the inside scoop, have private access to our weekly notes, all you have to do is go to exexperts.com.

There’ll be a little pop up that shows up there for you and you can sign up and be a part of our world, our intimate world.

18:07

We really do share, you know, things that still repeat on us from the past or also how we’re moving on and how we see with clarity now when we didn’t see with clarity when we were going through our divorces and how we built great lives for ourselves.

So check it out at EXEX perts.com to get the inside scoop and behind the scenes private access to all of our successful tools and tricks.

18:34

Yeah.

OK, Brianna, I, I, I want to go back to the book for a second.

OK, Just so you guys know, I’m just going to read you a few of of the chapter.

Can you first read the title of the book?

Oh, I did.

The red flags have repeatedly ignored love, lust and lessons.

18:54

OK, Part 1 are are raunchy rendezvous.

Well, Part 2 are roller coaster relationships.

We’ve all been there, OK?

And Jessica and I always make a joke about like, whoring ourselves out at certain times after our marriages.

19:10

Like, you’re dating like, I want sex, right?

Why am IA whore if I want sex?

But he’s a stud because he’s got a cute girl.

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, different girl.

OK, Part 3 is rock bottom moments.

That’s, you know, truth be told.

19:26

And part 4 is real revelations.

And it’s very easy to read this book.

But she takes you through the issues with her father and the relationships.

And I’ve had issues with family members in my life.

But The thing is we didn’t know they were issues.

19:43

Like this is just how it is.

Right.

Is it how he was brought up and you were brought up and I was brought up and she was brought up?

We’re all brought up.

We all live in the same neighborhood.

So like.

Whatever that was normal until that becomes a big negative in your life and your choices.

20:02

But who’d a thunk, right?

How could that lead to me being in the kind of marriage I was in or the kind of relationship either any of us were in?

It.

It just seems unfathomable, so don’t think that oh, I should have seen this.

I should have Coulda woulda you see it when you see it.

20:20

We are also all about therapy.

So I you know, Breanna mentioned that I am 100%.

My therapist saved me in moving on from from that kind of a very bad relationship, but red flags.

20:36

Now the red ones are like you, you compare it to, you know, a a traffic light, right?

Like you got to stop.

Yeah, yeah, some people don’t.

Maybe we haven’t all the time.

Some through the pause and make a right turn, you know, whatever.

20:52

Or it’s yellow, it’s still yellow.

But why do we push the limits?

Why do we push a red flag?

Why do we wait till the yellow becomes a red?

Like there are so many red flags out there and you highlight all different kinds of things depending on what stage you’re in for yourself in other relationships, a yellow or red, But like, why do we push past them?

21:17

Why do we challenge that?

Why don’t we just be like, holy shit, that’s a big red flag.

I should just go and say I’m out of this relationship.

I can go on my merry way.

Why can’t it be simple?

I think a lot of the times, like for me, I’m kind of that hopeless romantic.

21:33

So I always think that, oh, if this is a one off occurrence or that’s not going to be the norm, or I think maybe I could change the person, which is a big no, no.

Maybe I am not secure in my own judgement in thinking that yeah, I’m actually deciphering this feels innately wrong.

21:49

But you know, maybe I’m wrong.

I’m just going to continue and proceed anyway.

So I think there’s a lot, but I think the biggest issue for a lot of individuals who are trying to enter the dating pool is they don’t necessarily know what they consider a red flag, right?

And they’re kind of like learning on the fly.

22:05

So what I would encourage everybody out there doing, you know, whether they’re newly divorced or whatever the case may be, and you’re just entering the dating pool because you have to understand what it is that you want and what you’re looking for out of this world and out of a partner and some, you know, compatibility.

And then take a step back and say, what are your deal Breakers, your absolute?

22:24

If you see these, these people are completely disqualified from the dating pool, like they’re no goes.

So I again, I didn’t have any of that.

So examples, you know, could be, for instance, on the more severe side of things, well, you know, they have out of control anger problems, you know where they start screaming, yelling, throwing things like I don’t, I don’t want to deal with that.

22:43

Right.

Complete deal breaker.

Completely jealous or trying to tell you what you can and cannot do.

You know, they’re currently maybe in some kind of active addiction or they’re not getting help for it.

So these are things that you need to kind of assess on your own.

22:59

But another deal breaker could be, you know, maybe you’re very stern on the fact that you do not want children, but then you find out that you’re on date #9 with someone who really wants to procreate and have a family of four.

And there’s a clear disconnect there.

What are you doing?

So you have to understand, what are you willing to wiggle on?

23:14

Which I think would be more of like a light pink red flag, a yellow flag, or what are your absolute deal Breakers?

No go.

There’s other things like people want to move out of maybe New Jersey, where I live, and they want to start a family in California.

But maybe your roots are really cemented here and you’re like, I don’t want to leave.

23:30

And that that causes a big issue down the line.

So I think you really need to go into dating, understanding what it is that you want from yourself and a partner, and then go from there.

And then, you know, start deciphering what are some red flags?

So and how, how severely do you rank them too?

23:46

So if somebody smokes cigarettes, is that a red flag?

If somebody drinks liquor socially, is that a red flag?

Is that a green flag?

If somebody works maybe overnight shifts, is that a red flag to you or do you not care?

So there’s these things that I can’t tell you what a red flag is because it is very much on a case by case basis.

24:07

I can tell you what I think a red flag for me is personally.

But it really is up to your jurisdiction and your independence.

And you have to take control of what it is that you want and feel empowered to know what it is and know when to walk away.

Do you feel like people should kind of make a list that’s.

24:26

Exactly what?

They’re because there are people out there who will say, you know, if you start making a list, then you’re going to, you’re not going to like be able to open your mind enough to see someone who maybe is really great because people start getting super picky.

24:44

And I, I, I just for a second want to know that this conversation, while definitely helpful for people who are entering into a new relationship or who are like feeling their way through a new relationship.

I mean, part of this is if you’re listening because you are thinking your relationship may not be working out, this is also for you.

25:04

I mean, this conversation can help you if you’re struggling with do I want to get divorced or not?

Do I need to get divorced or not?

You know, what are your red flags?

So making a list, I’m curious, like how helpful is that?

And then I do think that I have dated, I thankfully have not had situations where the red flags have been violence or or types of abuse or things that are just a complete, you know, game over.

25:37

But like, I think sometimes you’re like, OK, well, you know, here’s the list of qualities I’m looking for.

These are the things that are really important to me.

And then someone’s like, well, they have most of them, but not a couple of them.

And you try to figure out, but the truth is those can be red flags.

25:54

And you can’t change someone’s personality and their character traits.

So how do you help someone kind of move past that and acknowledge to themselves, like be truthful to yourself?

Yeah, I think it’s striking that balance between understanding what it is that you want, but also having wiggle room and understanding that no one is perfect.

26:14

Like, unfortunately, we’re no Doctor Frankenstein’s here where we can’t concoct our perfect, you know, monster, our perfect love, you know, like we can’t do that.

But I definitely think it’s worthwhile and I’ve done it myself creating a list of what it is that I am looking for and what it is that I absolutely will not tolerate.

26:32

And then going from there.

I don’t necessarily get as nitty gritty in terms of like the physical aspects because I’m kind of I, I believe in beauty comes in all different shapes and sizes for me.

Like, I don’t necessarily have a type, but I do think there’s some people who maybe they have, you know, like a, you know, a height, a height, but.

26:53

That’s not a red flag, that’s not a red, but that’s still some that is over.

Like they have to have blonde hair, they have to have blue eyes.

Like those aren’t red flags.

Those are like your aesthetic preferences.

And and by the way, and I feel very strongly that if people are filtering to that extent, they’re going to have a hard time meeting someone because it really is so much deeper than anything on the outside.

27:15

But like even think of like a good example but you know.

But you know, it’s interesting because some people would say that, you know, they wouldn’t date someone who makes under X salary or they wouldn’t date someone right now who still lives home with their mother and they’re above the age of 30.

Like there’s some things that some people would constitute as being a red flag.

27:34

And I think again, it depends on the person that is actively seeking.

So, you know, some people might say if he’s, if he’s 5-6 that that’s a red flag.

You know, even though I think they’re loosely throwing that out.

But there’s some people who I have have heard say that.

So I just think it’s really important to understand again, what it is that you want.

27:51

So I am a strong proponent of definitely make a list.

I think when you actually visualize it and see it and you write it out, I think it really helps you just understand in totality what it is that you want so that it helps you when you start dating, kind of sifting through all these other potential candidates.

28:08

And if somebody checks off, you know, 19 out of 20 of your green flags, but maybe they check off 1 yellow flag and maybe they’re a little tardy, but they’re starting to work on it.

I mean, have some wiggle room there, I think.

But you know it.

It helps you conceptualize what it is that you want in a partner, in my opinion.

28:29

I honestly, and I see it towards the end of your book, like it’s really, but it all comes down to being honest with yourself.

Yeah, that’s really all it comes down to.

Your relationship with yourself will determine the relationship you have with other people.

If you are lying to yourself and you’re being dishonest with yourself and you’re not communicating properly with yourself, then that is what is going to happen with other people around you where you are more vulnerable and and can land in a bad situation.

28:56

Now, this is not just a romantic relationship.

This could be work.

This could be a friendship.

This could be family.

So don’t think it’s all about love because, you know, we’ve all had to take, you know, a strong stance with people in our families.

29:13

And some friends, I’ve taken out some trash with friends like they’re deal Breakers.

But I also have learned that I actually didn’t know what I wanted.

I only knew what I didn’t want.

29:29

I knew what I could not have any more.

The way that I was spoken to, the way that my stomach hurt, feeling disrespected, feeling stifled, being shamed for the way that I looked, all of it, not nothing lifting me up.

So you could say, well, I didn’t want to be shamed.

29:45

So I have to have somebody who lifts me up.

But I as I, and then maybe this is just the way that I was thinking through it.

I was more focused on I can’t have that sick feeling in my stomach ever again and all of those negative things attached to that.

So if I have the opposite, then I won’t have the sick feeling and then that’ll that’ll be better.

30:05

But I will also tell you that it’s easy to fall back into some of those gut wrenching feelings with somebody who’s super nice.

Everybody likes them or her and seemingly such a good human.

30:21

And they might be a good human, but they may not be the good human for you.

And so that was a a past relationship that I was in.

And I was like, Jesus Christ, like, what the fuck’s wrong with me?

Like everybody patterns this guy.

It’s the repeating of patterns that you may not recognize as a pattern.

30:40

Right, because he wasn’t acting it.

It was the message wasn’t relayed in that same toxic way, but it was still relayed.

And so just give yourself grace and be super honest with yourself.

I love the idea of writing stuff down because then you are always held accountable.

30:58

You literally put it on the paper and you may ignore it and then go back and be like, wow, I guess I did know, but I didn’t really want to face it yet, which is OK.

But start to be accountable for yourself.

Feel like that’ll help you kind of crawl out of, you know, a hole that you might be finding yourself trapped in?

31:19

I agree.

Yeah, totally.

Brianna, any last tips?

Yeah, but before we do that, but just I just want to know like are there any, You’re right, everybody’s relationships are different.

31:36

Everybody is an individual.

So everybody’s red flags may be different.

But like, you know, certain things that people just really need to be aware of so that they can take accountability and, and be able to keep their eyes open to find what it is they’re looking for, not get sucked back into the hole.

31:56

Yeah.

So are you referring to red flags, like certain red flags to look out for?

So I would say like a general rule of thumb would just be if they’re not trustworthy, if you feel the need to want to Snoop through their phone or look at who they’re texting or stuck them on social media, that’s an uneasy feeling that and it’s, it’s a signal that you shouldn’t necessarily, if you’re with someone who you cannot trust, that’s a huge red flag.

32:23

If you’re with someone who isn’t the best communicator or just, you know, just shuts down and doesn’t want to listen to you or have uncomfortable conversations, which unfortunately, unfortunately is necessary in a healthy relationship, you’re going to have things you have to talk through.

32:38

If they’re not the best communicator and they make you feel crazy for wanting to talk about something that maybe you’re feeling, that’s a red flag.

As I mentioned this earlier, if you feel like you have to hide your partner from your friends and family for whatever reason, that’s a massive red flag.

32:55

If you feel like this person is changing you now you should want to change for the better in a relationship and you always want to grow as a person.

But if they’re changing you in really unhealthy ways, like you used to be a social butterfly and now you find that you’re in the house more often or you just find that you’re, you know, really upset and you’re coping by eating a lot of food and just stuff in your face and you feel unhealthy physically, mentally, emotionally.

33:21

These are, these are red flags.

The way they talk about an ex partner.

Also, I feel like this has kind of gone viral on like social, you know, they call their exes crazy, but there’s validity to that.

The way that they talk about an ex partner, there’s, you know, it’s, it’s very indicative and they may talk about you.

33:39

Yeah.

I know, but people turn it around.

They’re like, of course she’s crazy.

Look at look at all the stories he’s telling me.

She must be crazy.

I was definitely called crazy on the other side.

I’m definitely not crazy.

I think there’s there’s three.

33:55

That’s funny, but I can really.

Say 3 slides to every.

Story.

My my side two of the three is I’m not crazy all.

Right.

Well.

This is a conversation that we we always love having because it really is so important for people to like, not fall into the traps of not finding what you’re looking for and feeling like you’re subject to someone else’s view of who you are and what you are and what you’re worth, which is totally not the case.

34:28

So we love hearing about the red flags and TH Go ahead.

Wait.

I want you to share with everybody what you’re weirdly attracted to.

I wait, what page do you want?

Because there’s a few weird.

34:44

Attractions.

The last one.

You want me to read it?

Yeah.

Men who can roast the fuck out of me but can also handle getting roasted back.

Respectfully, of course.

You’re going to dig.

It out, you’re going to get it a. 100%.

35:00

There’s some weird attractions in the book.

There’s like my kink from Michael Myers.

I’m like, Oh my God, I put myself out there.

But yes, yes, and getting roasted is definitely it.

But you’re.

Authentic and these are things that if it makes you laugh that she just wrote that, then give her a call like.

35:16

I love.

Someone.

Can make fun of me honestly, like I love nothing.

Nothing more than just like laughing at myself and then throwing it right back.

At that, I laugh at myself all the time.

It’s ridiculous.

So if you guys want to get a copy of this amazing book by Brianna McCabe, the red flags have repeatedly ignored love, lust and lessons.

35:38

There will be a link in the show notes and a link in the bio for a chance to enter to win a copy and we will keep you updated, but stay in touch with at the Brianna McCabe on social media and all of her connection points will be posted.

35:56

Yeah.

And for everyone, if you’ve laughed and learned during this episode of the Divorce Etcetera podcast, we’d be so grateful if you would just spend a minute giving us five stars and leaving a quick comment.

We are on a mission to educate, empower, and support anyone touched by divorce.

Your divorce doesn’t define you, it empowers you.

36:12

We’ve lived it, so we get it.

Please share this episode with anyone you know who can benefit from listening.

Have a great day.