What do you think of the idea of a divorce registry?

I mean, do you like it or do you love it?

Think about it.

A list of things you need after your marriage that your friends, family and loved ones can help you out by buying stuff for a fresh start.

To us, it is literally genius.

0:18

And that’s exactly what we’re talking about in today’s episode of the Divorce Etcetera podcast.

We’re the exEXPERTS, Jessica and T.H.

We help you navigate your divorce and successfully move on with your life.

Let’s bring in today’s guests.

Hey everybody, it’s T.H. here and we are thrilled to have Olivia Howell with us.

0:36

She is the founder of Fresh Starts Registry, which yes, is a divorce registry.

I mean, I don’t even know where to begin, but we’re going to begin with Olivia.

So we’re just going to start talking to her and ask all of the questions.

0:53

So welcome to divorce etc.

Oh my gosh, I’m so happy to be here because first of all, I used this podcast and listened to this podcast when I was going through my own divorce.

So this is like I’m fangirling just being here.

And I really, you know, I appreciate all of the hard work that you 2 do to destigmatize divorce and make it so normal and have the conversation.

1:16

So I am definitely really just excited to dive in and I appreciate you taking the time to be here.

Thank you so much for being here.

As we were saying before we started, we’ve also been following you for quite some time.

So I feel like it’s just a full on love fest.

But look, people listening, I mean, the first question is going to be like, where did you come up with this idea?

1:37

That’s a great question.

Yeah.

So I went through my own divorce in April of 2019.

My marriage ended.

It ended on a regular day, as they do right and you know it.

We lived to get.

We had owned a house, we had two little kids.

1:53

We lived together for the next.

Can I just say for anyone like listening, you literally look like you’re 22 years old.

I mean, I, I originally thought that the story was going to be like, because you were a child of divorce or something like.

That I mean, I am that too old enough.

2:09

To like be married and have kids.

But anyway, some almost. 40 but they know.

Thank you.

I appreciate that.

I do wear a lot of sunscreen.

No, I, I, I got married young, I will say and I, you know, I had kids young and so I was in my mid 30s when when I got divorced.

2:24

I am a child with divorce.

I am a grandchild, a divorce.

My entire both lines are divorced multiple times.

So divorce was like supernatural to our family.

It was never something to be shamed.

It was just like what people did.

I had, you know, 400 grandparents.

2:41

It was wonderful, right?

And so, you know, I went through my own divorce.

He moved out in August and I’m a marketing expert.

I have a marketing agency.

My brain always thinks like a marketer.

And so when he moved out, you know what, my sister came over, my sister and I own the marketing agency together and she helped me clean the house out, right.

3:02

It’s really traumatizing to have half of your shit taken away, right?

And then you’re like, well, what’s left is like the sheets that we conceived children on and right like the, you know, the towels and all this stuff and our monogram Pottery Barn things.

3:17

And so I went through the house and we donated a ton of stuff to, we love donating things.

I actually gave a ton of things to a local, another local mom who was really grateful.

And then I was left with nothing, right?

I was like, there was nothing in the house and I had two, my kids were two and five.

3:35

And so I thought, well, you know, I had two baby registries.

I had a wedding registry.

I’d worked for a baby registry company as their CMO for a long time.

I was like, there has to be a registry for like this, this hard thing is right.

Like for a divorce, like there has to be a divorce registry.

3:51

So I Googled and I thought like, there’s got to be.

And the only things that came up were articles that said why is this not a thing, right?

Why don’t we have a divorce?

Right, because people don’t want to like, celebrate other people getting they don’t know what to do.

They don’t even want to talk about no.

So yeah.

4:07

Exactly and especially.

And you don’t want to be a charity case either.

You know.

Oh, she, she’s no down and out.

I pity her.

I’m going to buy her pots.

Yeah, and like you get the divorce, you know the divorced head nod, right?

Like, I’m sorry like that.

4:22

I think Billy Crystal talked about and Harry Met Sally.

And so, you know, I went to my sister and I had journaled this idea.

I said I wanted to start a registry that really is not just for divorce, but for every other life moment.

We don’t have a registry in this.

It did not exist, right?

4:38

For all the other things that you go through, new jobs coming out right, whatever it is moving.

And so I said I would like, I want to start fresh starts registry.

I want to have these bundles of items that you could have curated for you and you can add them to your registry.

4:54

Because when it comes down to it, it’s really our mission.

Our ethos is about eliminating the overwhelm out of all these big life changes.

And I wanted to have a one stop shop for vetted experts that you could go and say I need a divorce lawyer, I need a realtor, I need a healer.

5:11

And you could get the red, the experts and the home items in one place.

So I, I brought the idea to my sister and this was like right before it was like dirt right around the pandemic.

And you know, everything was crazy.

And she was like, we have a full client load of marketing clients.

There’s no way we could build a startup.

5:27

And my, I’m a I’m a Pisces like I, I always have these big ideas.

And she’s, thank God, the grounded.

You on the ledge?

Yeah, exactly.

And she said it is a fantastic idea, But you know, we don’t have the space.

Like if we don’t have the money, it’s just the two of us.

5:44

And then then during the pandemic, my sister, my sister got engaged 2 weeks before my marriage ended.

OK, so we were planning her wedding and then she was supposed to get married May of 2020.

And of course that did not happen.

So they pushed the wedding so many times that they decided to break up.

6:02

And so she had the opposite experience of me, whereas I stayed in the marital residence.

She left her apartment in Queens with nothing.

And she moved into back to Long Island to an apartment on her own for the first time.

And she had nothing.

6:18

And she called me and was like, oh, remember that idea for the divorce registry?

I think it’s really smart.

Yeah, exactly.

Now it’s a good idea.

Yeah.

So then that was the summer of 2021, and then we launched a few months later and we were in the news by February of the next year.

6:35

And so we are very, very proud of what we do.

And you know, so much of what we do is the education, right, how to support people, how to show up for your people, how to ask for support, right, Because that’s really, really hard to do, especially with divorce.

But we are the only support registry out there.

6:52

And we kind of, we coined that term and we support people, you know, not just through divorce, which is kind of my big platform, but we have people who come, a lot of single women who come after they have their first house or have a PhD or all sorts of great things.

So we’re the the first registry for all the other life moments.

7:11

So what kind of stuff is on your registry?

Before we get to the second registry, wait, before we get to that, I, everybody’s different.

And one of my things that’s always really hard for me is asking for help.

And my question is, how do people even put the word out that they have this?

7:34

Like, I don’t know.

I would even be comfortable sending a note to people saying, hey, I’m getting divorced.

Here’s a registry, you can buy me shit.

Yeah, Jessica, you’re totally right.

So we something that was very, very, very important to us is that we really thought through the user experience from the lens of people who are really going through a divorce.

7:56

There’s a lot of divorced stuff out there, as you guys know.

You have gone through it yourselves.

We wanted to make this easy for people.

So we are one of our big things is we write scripts for everything.

So we actually have scripts on the registry platform that literally tells you exactly what to do and that you can copy and paste them.

8:14

And they say things like, hey, thank you so much for checking in with me.

I know you asked how you could support me.

I actually need new cereal bowls, right?

For my kids, Like, here’s a registry.

No pressure, right?

We have three different scripts you can copy and paste with your registry link.

8:29

We purposely use Amazon as a registry platform.

We’re powered by Amazon.

So what that means is that number one, our safe, our the safety and security of all of our users is number one for us.

So we don’t collect user data, which is really unusual for a big peg platform like we are when we, you know, a lot of a lot of venture capitalists, investors did not like that, right?

8:54

Which we didn’t go down that route because we were like, sorry, we’re not selling you data.

That’s not what we do here, right?

We are human 1st.

And so yeah, Amazon is great because what we do is we have bundles of items that we’ve already curated.

We’ve read the reviews, we put together bundles based on rooms, price points, styles, which is one of our big exciting things, all sorts of different stuff.

9:16

So you can literally go through and add a lot of people add, which we’ll get to THS question, you know, a lot of stuff from the bundles.

And then you can also add anything else you want.

So we’ve had, you know, again, because we don’t collect user data, we don’t know exactly what’s going on registries per SE.

9:34

That being said, we have a lot of people who come and tell us that they built a registry because they’re really proud and excited.

So we do have a lot of stories.

And so we know that there has been people who have added disco balls and flags and all sorts of like really cool things to the registry also.

9:51

But, you know, I think it’s important to remember a lot of women have to downsize after a divorce.

A lot of women especially don’t have finances to get the things they need after a divorce.

And a lot of people are literally left with nothing after a divorce.

10:06

And so, you know, it’s great to have girlfriends that will buy you a bottle of wine, but a bottle of wine is not something you can eat dinner on, right?

It’s not towels for your kids.

It’s not the things you need.

So we are kind of what, you know, we’re really, we’ve gotten a lot of interesting feedback, right?

10:22

Because a lot of people are like divorce registry, I don’t want to buy you a gift.

And we’re like, it’s not gifts.

We call them support, right?

So this is a physical manifestation of the support you can give to somebody because look, you may not even live near your friend, right?

You can’t go over and help them clean their house or move or whatever, but maybe they need a $15 shower curtain for their new apartment, right?

10:42

So there’s, there’s a lot of ways.

And we also do a lot of education about freeways to help people too that you don’t have to spend money.

But the answer TH is question I would say our top products are what exactly what you would think towels, dishes, utensils, bedding.

10:59

And the really, really fun thing is that for a lot of women, especially a registry, a divorce registry is the first time they get to pick items out for themselves.

Ever they like, right?

They’re figuring out what they like, yes.

Yes, so we have people who buy rainbow utensils and I’m like, I’m a little spoon person.

11:18

I only want little spoon, so like and little forks.

So like, I only want a little spoon to little forks.

You know, we have people who will buy.

I mean, a lot of women bring color back into their world for the first time, right?

Like I’m going to get pink sheets and green pillows and all of these awesome things.

So we had a lot of fun rebuilding out our bundles and we can see, you know, on the back end of Amazon, what’s being bought and things like that.

11:40

And so it’s really cool to see people, you know, rebuilding their lives.

I, I have to say, like once you get over the, the ask, it is really fun.

I mean, I was thinking the reason I asked you what’s on the registry is because honestly, and you know, I don’t know if you felt that way, but I know many of our listeners have, you’re like first discovering who you are.

12:02

So your statement about bringing color back into your life I have talked about on past shows that I was literally like the schoolgirl uniform color palette, black, Gray.

Yeah, me too, Beige.

12:18

And white.

Yeah, beige all about now.

I wear hot pink.

I wear bright orange.

Bright.

Yeah, I’ll literally wear every bright color.

I probably wear neon green, but I could.

It would look beautiful.

I would.

Totally embrace it before I embrace black.

Yeah, 100.

12:33

Percent I I really do love that and I wonder, you know, whatever we have, we have a bunch more questions.

Just take a very quick break here because we want to talk about dating.

We want to talk about exploring the world of dating again.

12:51

Also on which you might need to register for new clothing.

You know, you might want a new couch for when you bring this guy over whatever or serving like a glass of wine.

But Ex Experts has partnered up with Behind the Swipe and Advanced Adulting to bring you our top tips on dating after divorce.

13:11

All you need to do is register at Dating After Divorce dot US to gain free unlimited access to the first series videos.

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13:32

If you want to see more and hear more, all you have to do is visit Dating After Divorce dot US.

You can also see the link in the show notes.

So does anybody register for clothing?

Because you have all these influencers on there.

You have Amazon basics, you can buy pants like Lulu.

13:50

Like what if you are rediscovering yourself?

Is that like weird?

Not weird, in fact, actually.

Or go little spoons and forks for like a cute outfit.

Yeah clothing, I mean, here’s the thing it’s about it’s about choosing what brings you joy, right and so I actually we are we actually partnering with a underwear company because, you know, getting fresh, clean underwear that you know brand new she’s.

14:14

Pointing to me because literally one of the first things I did was I went out, I bought all new lingerie and all new like nighties sleep in.

I’m like I wasn’t dating anyone at the time.

Like this is for me, I want a fresh start.

Yeah, 100%, yeah.

14:29

You know, clothing, we have one of the bundles that was most emotional for me to build was for a children’s room, right.

Again, a lot of women leave.

I have a lot of girlfriends who went from big houses to little tiny apartments that they could afford.

And I wanted to really, again, think through that user experience.

14:47

What could a single mom build by herself?

What is not going to be super expensive, right?

What’s going to make the, the, you know, moms, you understand, right, your, your prime, you know, focus is making a house, a home for your kids.

And we’ve actually had people, you know, send us videos of their new apartments with the things from their bundle, you know, and so it’s been, it’s really like anything that can make that place special, right?

15:11

We have people who have registered for beach towels.

So there’s all sorts of things, but it’s again about asking for what brings you joy in that next phase of your life.

And can you also keep the registry?

So you know you’re separated, right?

15:27

We all know divorce, like you didn’t just get divorced, right?

You just got separated and then the divorce will eventually happen.

So let’s get into the reality of it.

You just got separated and now you’re separating homes, whether you’re nesting or you’re selling the house or whatever the situation is, you want your kids comfortable and it’s hugely important that you are comfortable.

15:54

Jessica and I have also talked about like one of the first thing I did was get rid of the mattress and and that’s a big expense.

So really to have people, I mean, I don’t know, is that weird to buy me?

No, I mean they show up for you.

16:10

But yeah, like, I want where I sleep to be my safest space in my house.

But that’s also candles and aromatherapy and pretty towels.

Like, whatever you like.

Like you said, you register for the joy but then you know, is it weird to keep my registry going like?

16:27

No, absolutely not.

Like my birthday registry and like my anniversary of my divorce registry and my, you know.

Yeah, no, I mean a large.

Amount of time that people do keep them like open.

Well, we’ve been around for almost three years.

So we have people who have made them in the beginning and they are still using them to this day.

16:46

And again, we believe kind of one of our tag lines is everyone is worthy of a registry, right?

So whatever it is you’re going through.

And the thing about divorce, as you both know, is divorce begets a lot more changes, right?

So that’s one of the reasons we have all sorts of experts as well on our expert guide, right?

17:04

So it’s like you go through a divorce and then you’re a stay at home mom.

You have to go find a job, then you need a resume person, then you need a, you know, a realtor, all of these things, right?

So you can have a registry for your divorce, then for a new house, then for a new job, right?

A registry really is just a kind and clear way of asking for what you need because the people in your life who truly love you will want to show up and support you.

17:29

And that’s a beautiful thing, right?

And so we do a lot of education on both, both sides of how to ask for support and how to give support because there seems to be a lot of mess in that middle ground there.

Yeah.

I mean, I feel like I’m still kind of stuck on the whole like asking for support thing because I’m just trying.

I mean, as someone who’s been divorced, for me, it would not be offensive at all if I knew someone who was getting divorced who then sent me an e-mail and a link, you know, to their registry.

17:54

But I feel like, as you know, I mean, there are a lot of haters out there.

TH and I have been doing this now for, you know, about four years.

And I mean, I can’t even tell you how many rude, obnoxious, hurtful, you know, comments that we’ve gotten from people.

18:09

And I feel like there are a lot of people out there who would be offended, literally offended by the idea.

And So what do you say?

To Audacity.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean.

Did you ever watch, wait, did you ever watch Sex in the City?

18:25

Remember the episode where Sarah Jessica Parker was like, you know, everybody else is getting married and I’m not getting married, So like, I should have a registry too and, like, put shoes?

Yeah, that definitely was one of the inspirations for what we do.

But I mean, we’ve had horrible things said about us.

18:41

You know, we’ve had articles written about us that were slammed.

We’ve had so many things and people, people are very anti divorce.

And I always like to say, you know, when people are anti divorce, it’s usually because they have an agenda of their own right.

So, you know, they, they typically want to control and have, you know, women in their own way.

19:02

And so, you know, people or have, you know, their own say on things, but, you know, when it comes to divorce registries there the, I think the word registry has gotten a lot of, you know, out of control a little bit in our culture and society.

And so and I think, yeah.

19:19

And so, you know, again, the so the history of the registry really is that when people lived in rural, you know, areas and you would get married or you’d have a baby, you know, the women, especially in your life, would show up for you and, and shower you with what you needed.

And then with urbanization, people moved out, moved to the the city and you couldn’t show up in the same way for people.

19:39

And so registry was literally just a list of things that you needed from people in your life.

And that is really what a registry is.

And so it’s totally okay to put things on your registry and ask for them.

And I hear you, Jessica.

And I think that for a lot of people, it comes down to they’re not the one reaching out saying like, hey, here’s my registry.

19:59

It’s a response to things, right?

So there’s a lot of people who will say, right?

Like your best friend will say, Like you know.

What can I do?

For you, how can I help you right, right until you say, oh actually like here’s a registry of things I really, really need right now.

I’m moving into a new space where he left with all of our XYZ right.

20:17

So this is what me and the kids need right now.

So it, you know, that’s why like the scripts are great and we recommend literally just copying and pasting the script, put it in a text message and people will ask us a lot.

Well, what if somebody says that they don’t want to buy you things?

And we’re very honest.

That’s not somebody you want in your life.

20:33

That’s right.

That’s sorry.

Like if somebody is not going to show up for you.

And I think at this point in our world, everybody knows somebody that’s been divorced, right?

And then how hard it is, you know, and so like, if you can’t show up and support somebody that is going through a really hard time, then that’s not somebody you want in your circle, right?

20:51

Just to be cheering you on as you move into the next phase.

But I totally agree with you, Jessica.

It’s super hard to ask for help.

And that’s one of the the big platforms that we talk about a lot is like, how can you open yourself up to the people who love you and say, I am having a hard time?

21:07

Or like, you know, we actually have a lot of people who build registries after having like a mental health crisis, right?

You go through a depression, you need new dishes because your dishes were in the sink for three weeks and you couldn’t wash them.

And like, yeah, it’s okay, right.

To ask for the support.

And again, you know, we believe that like community care is self-care.

21:26

When you can show up for the people that love you, it’s going to reciprocate.

It’s going to come back to you someday, right?

But it’s just, it is, it’s so hard to ask for help.

I’m the queen of like.

Like, as I say, it goes along with the whole like idea that’s come out also in the last couple of years of like divorce parties, like the celebration, you know, and it’s like you could have a party like that and then the registry totally goes along and fits with it.

21:53

But it’s, it’s like it’s your closer inner circle for sure.

But you’re right, because those are the people who are like, how can I help?

What can I do?

But they don’t.

But you don’t know a lot of times.

You don’t know, you don’t know.

I think that as much as you’ll be surprised at who doesn’t show up, you’ll be surprised at who does show up.

22:14

I had a lot of people who I was, they were barely an acquaintance who literally showed up in the same way my closest friend showed up.

By the way, I did have a divorce party.

I had it on what would have been my wedding anniversary.

22:31

So we separated from our husbands on May 8th.

September 16th would have been my wedding anniversary and I had a divorce party in New York City at Bagatelle, leftover at a beautiful hotel.

We were dancing on the tables and I literally put the invitation out to everyone.

22:49

I’m like, yeah, I have room for 15 people who’s in and.

They all showed up.

And how did that make you feel like when you were like moving through the night?

I.

Mean It was a memorable night, it was a.

Memorable night, yeah.

For.

Sure, and I think that people wanted to be a part of.

23:06

This.

Next stage, like I’m supporting her.

This was not a cheap restaurant and it was in New York City and.

And that was not even a question.

So, you know, you may have people who are like, yeah, yeah, whatever.

Or they just totally ignore your script.

23:23

But you might have people are like, hey, I heard that you need some help.

Yeah.

And I think.

What can I do?

How?

Can I you know, you make such a great point TH and when we write and talk about divorce parties or showers especially, there’s an element of that that I think we don’t talk about enough, which you just nailed, which is there are a select group of women or people in your life.

23:45

For me, I even had an ex-boyfriend from college who showed up for me right during my divorce.

Who will be there for you during your divorce?

And do I always say divorce party is to honor your brave decision, but it’s also to thank the people that showed up for you right?

Again, that community care aspect of it.

24:02

And it is a wonderful time, like you said, at your divorce party of all these amazing memories.

And it’s super, super empowering, right?

And so all of these kind of reframes of divorce that you guys are doing and talking about.

And you know, all of these the celebrities are talking about busy Phillips had her, her garage divorce garage sale, right?

24:19

All of those things.

We are, we’re taking it back, right?

We’re owning it.

And we’re saying like this divorce is just another life decision and it’s OK, we can just move on.

Yeah, I love that.

I love that.

Well, I mean, listen there, it’s a terrific idea.

24:35

We are huge fans and supporters.

We really love it.

I mean, and you know, look, our mission here also is to support people going through divorce or touched by divorce in any way.

So it’s just such a great idea.

So for everyone listening, if you want to follow Olivia and find out more about the Fresh Starts Registry, see the show notes.

24:53

And if you laughed and learned during this episode of Divorce Etcetera podcast, we’d be so grateful if you’d spend one minute giving us five stars and leaving a quick comment.

We are on a mission to educate and power, power and support anyone touched by divorce.

As I just said.

And your divorce doesn’t define you, it empowers you.

25:10

We’ve lived it, so we get it.

Please share this episode with anyone you know who can benefit from listening, which basically is anyone you know who’s gotten divorced because we all need new shit to start off and have a great day.