So you think Matchmaking is the answer?
You’ve been struggling to meet a good match.
It’s not happening organically or online, and really, you don’t have that kind of time to waste on dating! So you start thinking about hiring a matchmaker. Now, being a professional matchmaker for the last 16 years I am totally down for that, but I’d like to share some thoughts on the matter to help create awareness and really, help you become informed.
Yes, as you might imagine, my job as a matchmaker is fun. I’ve met really wonderful people and for some, I help close the gap to that one missing piece. However, let me be fully transparent and share, while I work VERY HARD to match people based on a variety of measures, what matchmakers can’t offer is guaranteed chemistry. Unfortunately, there is no scientific measure for chemistry. And what I have found is, when there is no chemistry, what there is, is…disappointment. And then that disappointment very often turns into a critique that is steeped in negativity. I can’t begin to count the number of times I’ve had people call me about my coaching only to launch into a diatribe, complaining about the matchmakers they’ve hired in the past. All of a sudden people go from really jazzed and positive about matchmaking to negative and disappointed. All this, because they have unrealistic expectations about a process that has no guarantees, and beliefs that are not balanced with facts about the matchmaking process…or frankly, human nature.
Below are some points for you to consider if you’re thinking about matchmaking:
1) You believe a matchmaker is magical or has an intuition about your perfect partner.
So many people believe that matchmakers are “magical”. In fact, I’ve actually heard a matchmaker refer to herself as “magical” and I was like holy cow, that’s just the most terrible thing I’ve ever heard in my life. Why, you ask? Well, for one, it’s not possible. And two, because it creates a false narrative further perpetuating unrealistic expectations about the matchmaking process and matchmakers. Those unrealistic expectations, if not met, generate even more disappointment and continue the negative perspective of how we got here. By “here” I mean so many singles who believe that they don’t have to do any work, they can just outsource the dating experience and someone will magically present them with their “perfect partner.” Sounds great, right? BUT if you really think about it, it doesn’t make any sense. And furthermore, what I’ve actually found is that there are those who also believe “if I pay someone, they’ll just find this perfect person for me.” So while I do believe matchmakers can be very adept at matching, my experience has been that unless you have cleared your crap, ditched your list of deal breakers, have a healthy approach to dating and relationships, and get real about your own level of attractiveness, you’re not all that likely to have success with a matchmaker.
2) You believe matchmakers have a network where your perfect partner is hiding.
I could argue the people in my matchmaking database are more serious about relationships and introductions, but, that’s simply not true. I’ve actually had more successful date coaching clients who’ve met their significant other online. Why? Well, number one, I coach them in real-time as they date online (eliminating obstacles) and number two, the pool is just larger. It’s that simple. A larger pool equals more choices and more choices equal a greater chance of you meeting someone. While matchmakers do collaborate with other matchmakers, really, their bandwidth is limited. Matchmakers only offer a certain amount of introductions. Typically we offer anywhere from 6 to 12 introductions in a certain time frame. So if you don’t meet your soulmate in the number of introductions offered you’ll have to cough up more coin for more introductions. If you have never priced a personal matchmaker (not a dating service) it can get pricey. In the end, statistically, you’d have a better chance of meeting someone organically, through friends or online.
3) You believe that matchmakers have more success than what online dating can yield because the type of person you want to meet isn’t online.
Honestly, I love this one. I‘ve talked with more people who believe this to be true, and it’s not. This is more about someone’s “picker” being off than not being any quality people online. Because believe me, there are wonderful quality people online. Now, I could get all coach-y and mentor-y with you, and talk about mindset and approach to dating in general, but I won’t. Instead, what I can tell you is while matchmakers do represent some awesome men and women, those same men and women have typically been online and passed up for one unfounded reason or another. Let me give you an example. In spring 2021, I started representing a man whom I also helped go online (he wanted to increase his odds). There was a woman whom he reached out to online and she passed on him. Coincidentally the same woman was in my database and when I did an email blast about this same client for matchmaking she hounded me for an introduction to the same man she passed up online. This is a true scenario and a perfect illustration of how your mindset and openness have more to do with your success, than online dating or matchmaking.
4) You’ve believe you’ve wasted your time online, now someone else can do the work for you.
So how can I explain that this mindset, or approach to dating will most likely hinder your success? Did you know that the one thing that will predict your relationship success more than anything else is how you date, not whom you date? I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, I could present you with your PERFECT match, but if you’re not ready emotionally or spiritually it will never work. Now think about it, does outsourcing your dating seem realistic? I know it might sound better or easier, but how the heck do you think you grow a relationship? If you don’t know, it’s actually through dating. Spending time with someone and growing a deep meaningful connection is the only answer. So while a matchmaker might be able to present you with introductions, AKA dates, you still have to do the work to make it happen. And while I’m down with you hiring a matchmaker, I’m sure you can find dates on your own. BUT what I will challenge you to do is change your approach to dating. As a certified life coach; what I know, without a doubt is, if you’re having a hard time meeting your person, it’s either 1) your expectations are unrealistic, 2) your communication is off, 3) you have no boundaries or 4) your mindset/approach to dating needs a shift.
5) You believe that because someone hires a matchmaker they are somehow more serious than someone who is online.
I guess that could be true, but what I’ve found is when someone hires a matchmaker it’s typically because they believe the other four points I’ve covered are true. And these beliefs somehow feed into their decision to use a matchmaker. They also believe on some level that the quality of person is better because they’re paying for the introductions. Well, if you’ve read point number four, you will find the same men who hire a matchmaker, are typically online, or have been online. What I would like to point out is, if you are serious about finding a partner, it doesn’t matter how you meet them, it matters that you meet them.
If it isn’t clear from what I’ve already shared, matchmaking is becoming an extremely small part of my business and will continue to shrink…I will, however, continue to help people create a full meaningful love life, just through life coaching (aka date coaching).
The purpose of what I want to get across is to level-set and help you understand that you’re not just going to walk into a matchmaker’s office and your person is going to be handed to you. You will, however, most likely meet some pretty nice people who could potentially be a match. And even though most of the personal matchmakers in my network are very awesome people, from my experience, you have the same chances of meeting the right one online, through a friend, at work, or volunteering. If you do decide to hire a matchmaker, please understand their main purpose is to provide you with introductions.
There are NO guarantees that you will meet your person or that all the chemistry will be there. AND in no uncertain terms, YOU will have to navigate growing a relationship yourself.