exEXPERTS – T.H & Jess were quoted in Rent.:

Moving in With a Partner: Tips for Getting It Right

(This article was originally published by Rent.com)

Moving in with a boyfriend, girlfriend or significant other is a big decision, not one to take lightly. According to a Pew Research 2019 study, 66 percent of adults see living together as a step toward marriage.

Moving in together comes with benefits like saving money and spending more time together, but it also comes with more stress and unexpected fights. It’s also extremely rewarding as you’re starting to build a life together. But, how do you know it’s time to move in together?

If you think you’re ready to take the next step in your relationship by moving in with your boyfriend, girlfriend, or partner, here are a few vital tips and critical discussions to have, whether you’re buying a home in Nashville, renting a home in Dallas, or renting a Miami apartment. Rent. interviewed the experts, including counselors and relationship experts, to find some deep insight on the matter.

1. Practice living together before moving in

You find yourself at your partner’s apartment most days during the week and you may often say, “We practically live together!” Unfortunately, practically is not entirely living together. Some habits don’t always come out if you’re spending a few days together here and there. “When moving in with a boyfriend, you are no longer just partners, you are also now roommates. Are there things you have noticed about your partner’s living habits, for example, do they have a particular way they load the dishwasher, are they ever late paying any bills, or how organized or disorganized is their living space?

The time to talk about potential issues is now,” says Bre Jessen, M.S., MFTC, from Growing Self. “By being on the same page before moving in together, you can prevent future disagreements and conflicts.” Do a trial run for a week or two and stay at your partner’s place every day: It will help get a sense of long-term habits and how you handle chores. The joy is in the mundane, right?

2. Have realistic conversations before moving in

“Renting together is a big step for any relationship. Beforehand, I’d recommend talking with your partner about goals: Is this a “for the foreseeable future” place you’re planning to rent, or do you envision moving on in the next few years (to another location, to a house that you buy, etc.),” recommends Megan Brame. “Maybe it’s only a temporary stop on your way to bigger and better so amenities and location aren’t a big deal. Or maybe this is a place you plan to nest in for the long haul so there will be fewer things you’re willing to budge on. Having this talk ahead of time can help you both look at each place with the right lens so that you’re on the same page before signing a lease.”

3. Discussing money is a must

Money is a taboo topic for many. Depending on previous experiences with finances, you and your significant other may differ on how to handle budgeting. “Before moving in together, couples should discuss how they will handle finances, including budgeting, bill payments, and financial goals,” recommends Lindsay N Sanner, LSCSW, RPT-S, with Andover Family Counseling.

“It’s also crucial to talk about household responsibilities, such as cleaning duties and maintenance tasks along with long-term relationship goals to avoid misunderstandings ensure alignment, and prevent future conflicts. When these aspects are thoughtfully considered, moving in together can significantly strengthen the relationship and enhance overall satisfaction,” she adds.

There are certain money considerations to make beforehand when it comes to signing a lease. “If I were moving in with a significant other who made a significantly higher salary than I did, and thereby we are renting an apartment that is above my means, that I would not be able to afford on my own, I would not want my name on the lease,” shares Jessica Herzberg with exEXPERTS. “I would not want to be financially responsible for any part of that apartment if we were to break up. I would prefer if things didn’t work out that I would just move out and find a place on my own that was within my own income range instead of being responsible for my half for the next eight months. I would be thinking about what kind of liability would I want to be exposed to if for some reason this living arrangement did not work out,” cautions Herzberg.

Once you’ve addressed the rent budget and surrounding considerations, keep the conversation going during and after moving in for shared expenses. Depending on each person’s income, a 50/50 split isn’t always the fairest way to divvy up costs. Discuss who takes responsibility for what, including utilities, groceries, and getting rental insurance coverage.

4. Compromising is key

“If I were to choose a word of advice, I would say compromise,” shares Camille Tenerife LMFT, with Diversified Therapy LA. “A reminder that this is the first time you both are doing this so be gentle with one another. Remember that whatever challenge you face around moving in with one another, the mentality I would suggest is — you and your partner against the problem, rather than you vs. your partner.

Start with assessing your strengths and likes. What chores/responsibilities are you good at/don’t mind doing, then that can be your job in the household. You can use the framework of your flexible and inflexible areas,” Tenerife shares. “Find the humor and joy in it. This is an important milestone in a relationship and a memory worth cherishing. Try to incorporate playfulness during the stressful time.”

Compromise is especially important when it comes to creating a shared space. “I recommend moving in with your partner somewhere new to both of you, if possible. This lets you create your home together instead of one person moving into the other’s space and feeling like it’s not theirs,” shares Polly Clover, SEO writer and consultant. “If moving into a new space isn’t an option, spend time redecorating or rearranging furniture together so that it feels more shared.”

5. Communicate with each other, no matter what

Communication, in every step of a relationship, is extremely important. It’s especially critical when deciding to move in together and while living together. “Moving in with your partner is a significant step that can deepen your connection but also brings challenges, ” explains Esther Goldstein LCSW, founder and owner of Integrative Psychotherapy & Trauma Treatment.

“As a licensed clinical social worker and trauma specialist, I understand the importance of open communication and setting clear boundaries to avoid misunderstandings. Empathy during disagreements and creating shared rituals can enhance your relationship and teamwork, much like how we approach therapeutic support,” Goldstein continues. “Honest discussions about finances and responsibilities are essential for a supportive partnership, reflecting the same principles we use to foster growth and understanding in therapy. By applying these insights, you can navigate this transition smoothly and build a harmonious home together.”

There’s a large chance you may have different ideas of how living together ideally should go, meaning small fights and misunderstandings are bound to happen. “It’s vital to establishing and maintaining a healthy partnership in sharing a home that both partners choose connection over correction, shares Lynn Louise Wonders, LPC with Wonders Counseling. “When your partner does or says something that does not jive with your way of doing things, get curious. Lean in. Inquire. Be gentle in exploring what is behind or underneath your partner’s behavior and choices. Seek to connect rather than jump to correct because a jump to correction will be received as criticism and criticism will damage the relationship. Criticism makes it very difficult for there to be connection and mutual respect. Learn to make respectful requests of one another instead,” Wonders concludes.

Deciding whether to bring up things that bother you or choose to let them go is imperative before moving in with the boyfriend, girlfriend, or partner. Harboring bad feelings toward each other will cause arguments and potentially a breakup. Discuss things and check in often but also know when an issue isn’t a big deal.

6. Consider creating a chore plan

As Camille Tenerife noted earlier, having conversations around chores and other daily or monthly tasks and preferences can assist in a smooth transition when it comes to living together.

“Although you cannot predict how a move-in with your partner will go, you can take some steps to help prepare for this big life transition. I tell the couples that I work with to start having conversations around expectations of the division of labor at home,” notes Justine Carino, LMHC with Carino Counseling.

“Explore who likes to do the cooking, what is the cleaning situation going to be like, who is doing the laundry, the grocery shopping, and how are you dividing the finances. You don’t need to set up rigid rules and expectations but make space for dialogue around these responsibilities. Once you move in, check in with each other a month later to see how it is going and what can be changed. This helps you get on the same page and avoid a lot of conflict that couples have with each other when adjusting to living together,” Carino concludes.

7. Set boundaries on screen time

Here’s one that isn’t talked about often before moving in the boyfriend — screen time. In this day and age, when our iPhones are functioning as another limb, it’s important to understand screen time boundaries now that you’re moving in together.

First, there may be an imbalance in how much screen time you have, and one person may feel ignored — whether it’s social media or video games. Acknowledge each other and spend quality time talking to maintain healthy communication. For example, implement a no-phone policy at dinner time or during date nights. Or, if you both love screen time, dedicate some offline hours together to do something fun.

8. Create a shared calendar

Google has made it super easy to create a shared calendar or share your calendars. It’s a good idea to bring transparency to your new life together. After all, you now need to let someone know where you are most of the time.

You can add reminders for shared bills, work-from-home schedules, friend hangouts, and any upcoming joint activities to avoid misunderstandings or double booking.

9. Establish a weekly routine

The best part about moving in with a boyfriend, girlfriend, or partner is creating a new weekly routine together. Think about meal plans, date nights, and even grocery shopping. This is where that shared calendar comes in, too. Look over your schedules and plan out when you go to the grocery store, go to work or who will cook what meal.

As you merge schedules, those first few weeks together will feel a bit chaotic, and having a tentative schedule can help form a new weekly routine. Remember living together and having a routine doesn’t have to be rigid. Be flexible when things come up last minute, as this is the first time you’ve had to plan with and around another person.

10. Schedule time away from your significant other

Yes, you like each other enough to move in together and take this big step. But remember that you were separate people before this, as well. It’s healthy to spend time alone or away with friends. Maybe Fridays is your partner’s time with his video game friends or Tuesdays is your partner’s day to go over to their best friend’s apartment. Spending a few hours apart is good for your relationship and ensures balance in each partner’s life.

11. Settle on a breakup plan

No one wants to think about this, but having an exit strategy is just as crucial as taking moving in together seriously. “My tip, if you’re renting or buying, but moving in with someone who you think you’re spending the rest of your life with, is to protect yourself as much as possible. So although we built a home instead of renting a home, we created something called a cohabitation agreement,” shares T.H. Irwin with exEXPERTS.

“This outlined every possible bad scenario that could come our way. We break up, someone gets sick, or either one of us passes away. What happens to our dogs? What happens to our kids? What happens to our stuff? How does it get divided? What’s the timeline? It is a difficult conversation to have with someone who you want to spend the rest of your life with but whether you’ve been divorced or not, you’re moving in with someone so you’re investing in it in one way or another.”

While leaping into cohabitation is exciting, it’s also an important time to discuss scenarios if things don’t work out.

12. Think about the future

Moving in with your boyfriend or partner is a decision you make together. It’s just as important to discuss each other’s future goals during this time to make sure all parties are on the same page. “There are many questions that arise when you are in a relationship, but one of the most common questions in today’s day is “Will you move in with me?” often followed by “Will you marry me?” My personal opinion would be to wait until a ring is on the finger,” shares M. Aline with Honest M. Aline. “Moving in shouldn’t be this casual step that everyone reluctantly takes, but a cautious decision you willingly make when you’re ready to spend the rest of your life with that person.”

It’s a good idea to align expectations (think children, marriage, etc.) and be honest before signing a joint lease together. This is a true test of the longevity of one’s relationship and having a plan is a good forethought.

Make the move with your significant other

Whether you’ve been together for six months or a couple of years, moving in is a significant step in your relationship. Make sure that you’re on the same page regarding finances, daily life expectations, and, of course, your future as a couple.

“Moving in with a partner is a significant step that requires open communication and mutual respect. It’s essential to discuss financial responsibilities, household chores, and personal space before moving in together. Combining décor preferences can be a fun activity, allowing both partners to express their styles. Remember, patience and understanding are key during this transition,” reminds Patrick Curtis with Wall Street Oasis.

As long as you follow our advice for couples moving in together, living under the same roof is a good step toward a life together. Now comes the fun part, decorating and making the new place your own.

(This article was originally published by Rent.com)