Are you feeling like you don’t know what to do to help your kids as you navigate the process of divorce?

Join the club.

There’s really no manual because each of our kids are unique.

However, there are some key things to think about when it comes to our kids being able to also move forward after their family has changed.

0:18

We’re the ex experts, Jessica and TH.

We help you navigate your divorce and successfully move on with your life.

Let’s bring in today’s guest.

Hey guys, it’s TH here and we are bringing back one of our parenting experts, Christina McGee.

0:35

She just has the perfect way to explain situations and to show you all sides of the story.

And I was telling her before we started the show that I was having conversations with two separate individuals about themselves and how they’re moving on from divorce.

0:52

But then they were concerned about what?

But what about my kids?

How do I know my kids are moving forward?

And another conversation was from someone in a home that had abuse and addiction.

How do I know my kids are OK?

How do I know they’re going to be OK?

1:07

So without further ado, Christina McGee is with us today.

Welcome back, Christina.

Ladies, oh, it’s a pleasure to be here.

I always love talking with you guys.

So we’re let’s really talk about this.

I mean, you know, every kid is different.

1:24

We know this divorce is super overwhelming for the parents.

We’re doing the best we can or we have to assume the parents are doing the best they can, even in difficult situations may not always be ideal, but what are the ways that we can check in with our kids to really know how they’re doing, to really make sure they’re OK and not just say kids are resilient, they’re going to be fine, don’t worry about it.

1:54

So I, I guess I would first want to dig into this word resiliency because it gets thrown out a lot.

And I don’t believe that divorce has to be devastating, right?

I do believe that children can emerge well adjusted it, you know, emotionally stable and, and thrive.

2:15

But it’s really important to remember that that resiliency doesn’t just show up all by itself, right?

Rarely are kids just born being resilient.

And if they have that sense of resiliency, it usually comes with a pretty hefty price tag.

2:30

And so we need to, we need to realize that children as parents, children need us to lead the way.

We need to set the tone right and remember that our experience, how we’re going through this process is going to be very different than how our children are going through this process.

2:51

And so how do we get kind of that sense of emotional separation so our issues don’t become their issues?

And it’s more than just kind of a wing and a prayer that they’re going to be all right, right.

So how do we help kids cultivate it?

3:08

And that really is one of the solar linings of divorce is that it gives you an opportunity, right, to help your children cultivate the ability to tolerate uncertainty, to handle hard times, to cope with when you can’t control what’s happening in your life.

3:32

And the truth is, divorce isn’t going to be the only challenging thing that’s going to happen in your children’s lives.

There’s going to be lots of things that follow.

So this is an opportunity that you have to really help your children grow skills, perspective and, and learn how to handle hard times and instill that belief in them that we can we, they are capable of handling hard things.

3:58

Of course, that doesn’t mean you fix it.

It doesn’t mean you give them a carefree life.

It doesn’t mean that they’re not sometimes going to be anxious or upset or sad.

Those are all normal reactions.

The question is, what do we do with them when they show up?

I feel like it.

4:14

I think it probably goes without saying that a big part of what you’re talking about is like letting them see you as the example how you handle things.

To some extent, your kids will be able to model.

You know, I feel like for we’ve had so many conversations that’s divorce.

4:32

Like if someone walks around wallowing and woe is me and feeling victimized all the time, like their kids likely will handle divorce differently than someone who’s able to be like, look, this is really hard.

But like, we’re going to get through this and we’re going to be OK.

But there are also a lot of kids out there, people I should say, not just kids, you know, who are really just not because you’re not modeling something, but just innately not able to express themselves innately, more introverted, less willing to, you know, talk out loud and share their feelings.

5:08

So how do we draw out the ones who just aren’t kind of willing to go there if you are doing the things that you’re saying?

Well, so I think one of the keys is it’s not just about what we say to our kids or the questions that we ask.

5:31

It’s also what we’re doing right.

Do we have a home that is predictable and consistent?

Does it feel safe for kids?

What’s the emotional tone like when our kids do share something with us or something comes up?

5:48

Are we reacting in a grounded way?

Are we freaking out and giving them an earful about the other parent or crying hysterically because, Oh my gosh, I’ve messed up your life so bad and I never wanted this for you?

6:04

And so along with shoring ourselves up, right, we also have to think about how are we engaging with our kids Now?

Kids will react a lot of different ways.

And there are some kids that will totally shut down.

They won’t talk.

6:21

All right, well, continue to show up for them consistently.

I always recommend that parents use a backdoor approach if you’ve got a kid that’s not talking.

And so you can go big, you can generalize and normalize, which we spend a lot of time talking about.

So, you know, talking about divorce is is really hard for lots of kids can feel real weird and uncomfortable.

6:43

I get why you might not want to talk about it.

And I just want you to know that’s OK.

When you are ready to talk about it, I want you to know I’ll be ready to listen.

So you’re giving permission.

Basically, you’re giving them permission to show up when they’re ready and not feel pressured to start talking when they’re when they’re uncomfortable.

7:07

Right.

You normalize it by saying, you know, because all kids and we do it as adults, we think we are the only people in the world that feel this way, right?

Whatever’s going on in our lives, nobody else probably feels like this.

7:22

Or I can’t really talk with my friends about this because they’re going to think I’m kind of weird or that’s so strange.

And kids do the same thing.

And a lot of times, kids may or may not have a support network to kind of validate.

So that has to be us that we have to communicate.

7:41

You know, that makes sense.

It doesn’t mean we have to agree with what they’re feeling or thinking, but we can communicate that we understand it.

Yeah.

If I were in your shoes, I might feel the same way.

Or I know lots of other kids that have really struggled with this.

And so you put the ball in their court.

7:59

The other thing that I think a lot of parents miss is that you need to strike while the iron’s cold.

Yeah.

Oh, while.

The iron’s cold, yes.

So we pick.

Of things, right?

The heat of the moment.

This is when we’re gonna get down to it.

8:15

You’re gonna tell me how you’re really feeling.

Or things are really emotionally tense.

Or the kids are upset.

That is not a time that kids are gonna hear you.

You’re not gonna make any headway.

Or if you have a kid that’s shutting down and not talking, Maybe it has to do with the timing, right?

8:35

All kids.

Almost all kids.

Yeah.

Have you got to meet one that isn’t has like, kind of a time when they’re more receptive to talking, to opening up?

And I will say for a significant percentage, it’s right around bedtime.

Yeah.

8:51

And so you sit on the end of the bed and you say, hey, hey, sweetheart, how was your day today?

You know, what was going on?

What was the most exciting thing that happened or what was the hardest thing that happened this week for you?

Or you know, I was just kind of, I was kind of wondering, right, because I know that there are a lot of kids that sometimes don’t feel comfortable talking about divorce.

9:11

And I was wondering if you ever felt that way?

I feel like to even broach that conversation with your kids, you have to be someone who’s regularly having similar types of conversations with your kids.

Which by the way, I think part of what you’re saying, Christina, for everyone listening is that we should be trying to open up and have those conversations with our kids regularly.

9:34

But I, I feel like for if you, if that’s not what your typical evening with your kids is like or you haven’t been doing those, how do you kind of start broaching that conversation ’cause if you’re not someone who has that conversation with your kid regularly day one to start trying to breakthrough, can’t be that like you need to kind of lay the groundwork first before you get to that kind of a question.

10:03

Well, you need to be an approachable parent, right?

If you don’t have a track record of being an approachable parent, if relationships are like bank accounts, right, we got to put in deposits before we can make a withdrawal.

And most of us are not putting in enough deposits.

10:21

And so I tell parents, you know, you need to, you want, you want your kids to trust you.

You want them to feel safe with you.

Like how are you consistently creating points of connection with them that are meaningful?

10:38

That build that sense of trust, that build, that predictability, that build that sense of I’m going to be here for you no matter what.

Now, if you’re struggling with how to show up, then maybe you need some help.

Like get some help.

Get somebody that can help you.

10:54

Yeah, I’m curious like what does that look like in sort of different age groups?

Because everything that you’re saying, which is so valuable and which everyone listening can definitely take with them, you know, advice and use it.

It’s like, OK, but if my kid like what does that look like for the like 6 and under group?

11:14

What does that look like from like, you know, the seven to 12 year olds group?

What does that look like from the 13 up group?

So I can speak in like general terms for the age groups.

You also have to take into consideration like, you know your kid, yes.

11:32

Of course, of course.

So many different personalities even with age.

I mean, age is just one factor in a long list of, you know, what influences how children react to divorce.

So with young kids, a lot of it has to do with more action than words.

11:53

I mean, certainly you want to send consistent message to your kids, right?

That while we’re no longer partners, we’re always going to be your parents, right?

How much we love you is never going to change, right?

12:10

So we give them some messaging and we validate for them.

But we also want to have like, a calm household.

We want to have consistency and predictability because those things go a long way in terms of kids feeling safe.

If kids are always wondering like what’s going to happen next or everything’s a hot mess, you know, after dinner time and we don’t have anything to hook onto, kids aren’t going to feel anchored in family.

12:38

Right.

So how can you create those anchoring points?

When do they have your one-on-one undivided time?

Are you sitting on the floor and playing with them?

Do you cuddle with them?

Do you color with them when they’re telling you about your day?

Do you stop and, you know, get down on their level eyeball to eyeball and listen?

12:59

I mean, those things tell kids a lot, right?

What else are?

The next age group up like the mid range kids.

So if it’s not necessarily you’ve already spent the time kind of reassuring them it’s not their fault just because we’re not partners, we’re still going to be a family.

13:19

But then what is the messaging sort of segue into?

Well, so, I mean, I don’t know that you necessarily want to have a conversation about divorce, but it’s more about like a, this is what’s happened and why, But it’s more of making yourself available, right, to answer questions and to just check in, you know, and, and it involves getting curious.

13:46

Like when kids say something, instead of taking it at face value, we say, hmm, that’s, that’s kind of interesting.

Can, what does, what does that mean for you?

What does that look like for you?

And right.

14:02

And it’s so, yeah, go ahead.

Sorry.

So an example, I had a dad, he he’s called me up in a coaching session.

He was really concerned because he was trying to really connect with his daughter around like her worries about mom, right?

14:20

She was really worried about mom.

Was mom gonna be OK?

And mom had some issues, right?

And she said something like, well, I, I worry about mom.

And he was like, well, why?

Why are you worried about mom?

And she instantly went no, no reason when just just damn right.

14:44

So one of the things we worked on is we swapped out what for why?

What worries you about mom?

What are you most concerned about?

Because why put you in that position of having, like, kids to, like, defend or justify what they’re feeling?

15:04

And this was a young girl.

She’s probably like, around 11 or 12.

But what opens up the door?

Like, oh, tell me, tell me more.

Right.

And so you start peeling it back versus jumping to assumptions like, oh, I think a lot of times as parents, we, we take what our kids tell us at face value.

15:21

If they don’t want to talk, we assume they don’t want to talk, right, while they’re being quiet.

So they don’t really have anything to say that may or may not be true, right?

And realize that it is about consistency.

15:38

So the first time you check in and they don’t respond doesn’t mean well.

That was a colossal, epic fail.

I should never do that again.

You know, if a kid says, you know, you’re not listening to me and you know that doesn’t help.

15:55

What you said doesn’t help.

Oh, OK.

What?

What would?

Would help, yeah.

What?

What would you know?

What should what should you know?

You’re not like the other moms.

You’re not like the other dads.

Oh, OK.

What what what would a a mom, right?

16:12

Who was killing it say?

Help me out?

Like, what would you want to hear?

Like if the role were reversed?

What?

What should I say that you know would really help you out?

Asking a question in response has has been something that I have worked on.

16:30

And I also learned that, I mean, I think most of us try to be fixers, right?

Try to fix the situation.

Like I got it all.

I mean, we’re mobilizing.

You want water, you want to walk, you want to stand, you want to sit, you want to lay down.

16:46

Can I go up or down, whatever, whatever, right?

And all that does is add to the noise.

And I learned, especially through the divorce, not to volunteer any information because it might be more it, it may not have anything to do with what they have a question about.

17:07

So, so by what you’re saying in terms of asking the questions, don’t just assume you know what they’re looking for because you could fill them with information that they’re going to be like, holy, holy moly, mom.

Like, I didn’t want to know that, you know, now I’m worried about a whole other thing that I didn’t even know about.

17:28

So I what what Christine is saying?

I definitely did.

And it’s because I was coached by a therapist to just ask the questions.

Ask them the questions.

Don’t assume, well, that mom’s killing it, so I have to do XY and Z.

17:45

Why don’t you just find out what the answer is?

It could literally just be I need a hug when I come home from school.

Oh, OK, I can do that.

You could do whatever it is.

It’s.

Probably super simple.

They still think you totally suck.

They might or that you totally suck and you have to just.

18:02

Admit it, they might and and and OK, wow, you are really.

It’s clear you’re really upset with me.

Help me understand what’s so upsetting to you?

Like it is sinking into the curiosity and if the feelings get too big, if kids are getting like so dysregulated, then your job in that moment is not to necessarily investigate and crow, but to just help them de escalate, help them get to kind of that calm or place by staying calm yourself.

18:38

Yeah, that’s really great.

It is super hard to.

Just literally you have to bite your tongue and keep your lips closed and don’t say a word.

I remember I did that once.

My son was flipping out about something and I sat in the corner.

18:54

I hugged my knees and I just sat in the room with him.

And it took a few minutes.

And he looks at me and goes, what are you doing?

I said.

I’m just, I’m just sitting here instead of jumping in, engaging in the fury, building a bigger fire, you know, sending it off into the stratosphere where it never had to go.

19:18

Like it’s, it’s really amazing how that works, that when you kind of take a step back and you’re really quiet.

That’s what worked for me anyway.

I don’t know if it works for everyone, but that worked.

That worked for me.

But we’re going to take a quick pause here and we’re going to move over to the topic of dating everybody.

19:39

Have you started exploring the world of dating yet?

X Experts has partnered up with Behind the Swipe and Advanced Adulting to bring you our top tips on dating after divorce.

All you need to do is register at dating after divorce dot US to gain free unlimited access to the first series of videos chock full of actionable steps to take and things to avoid.

20:01

Like some of the things you can think of that Christina might say here in this episode with your kids.

Some of our favorites in the group include don’t feed the strays.

Another video is titled Enjoy the Attention and the last one is Challenge Your Deal Breakers.

20:17

If you want to see more and hear more, all you have to do is visit Dating After divorce dot US.

You can also see the links in the show notes.

I mean this episode is not about dating and how to involve your kids in it.

I feel like we’ve talked about that before.

But anyway, that was our mid role.

20:34

I do want to shift a little bit into an even more serious situation where you are leaving a home where there was abuse and or addiction.

And I know I shared with Christina before we started, when I first separated from my husband, I was like, OK, well, we’re going to a therapist.

20:58

We’re going to learn how to tell the kids.

And then all the kids are going to go to their own therapists.

Like I was ready to go.

Nobody was going to a therapist, by the way.

But when you’re in an extreme situation like that, like what, what do you do?

21:14

How do you handle that?

How do you make sure your kids are OK?

I feel like so many resources for parents, at least groups and and stuff like that.

What about the kids?

What do we do?

How do we help our kids?

OK, so shoring ourselves up first, right, is an important part of the process, but we also like have to get information and insight into how this impacts our kids.

21:46

Like, what are we supposed to be looking for?

And when you start adding, like divorce is already complicated enough, it changes life on every level for everybody in the family.

And then when you’re piling on like emotional abuse or physical abuse or addiction, right, it just becomes a steeper hill to climb.

22:08

So in in order to address that, right, again, the number one thing we have to do is make sure that our kids are in a safe situation, right?

That their safety has to be the top priority.

22:25

And that involves us being really clear about if they’re at risk and when they’re at risk.

I had a mom that I was working with who came to me for coaching.

And she was really concerned because dad was a very, in her words, a harsh, harsh parent, emotionally abusive.

22:46

He had been really harsh in their relationship.

She couldn’t take it anymore.

And sometimes the way he managed things with their daughter, right, she felt like was just not OK, wasn’t emotionally healthy.

23:02

So as we started kind of working and unpacking, the truth was, is that the child was having a lot of anxiety, but so was mom.

And mom wasn’t paying attention to the anxiety.

Mom had a lot of anxiety about dad having a very different parenting style.

23:21

Remember, harsh isn’t abusive, right?

It’s harsh.

And So what could she do to manage her anxiety, which then would help her daughter manage her anxiety and she could show up and help her with coping skills.

23:37

And when mom learned to kind of calm her own anxiety, the daughter also started functioning better.

And actually, the relationship between the parents improved and they were able to have conversations and it turned out that Dad was really fearful and felt like he needed to put his stake in the ground ’cause he was gonna lose his relationship with her daughter, right?

23:59

So there were all these dynamics going on.

So I think we need to get sometimes some perspective about a situation.

If there’s an addiction or there’s abuse, make sure that you are well informed.

24:15

And So what are the steps to become well informed?

Well, I think so you you look for resources, you talk with a professional, a coach, a therapist, somebody who has background and experience in that so that you can make sure that you are real clear about the safety issues for your child.

24:35

I think you also need to keep in mind that you need to provide your children a context for understanding their experience.

So parents in these situations usually go to one of two extremes.

Either they vilify and they tell kids way too much.

24:51

Yeah, right.

Or they don’t say anything and it’s the elephant in the room.

How is it that you can have a balanced and measured conversation with your kids?

How can you give them a context for understanding and validating their experience without throwing the other parent under the bus?

25:10

And that’s a really hard line to walk, which most of us can’t walk without some support.

And so where are you gonna get that?

You could read books.

There’s a lot of great books out there.

And I would say any parent that’s kind of looking for resources, especially if you’re in the beginning stages, go to my website, divorceandchildren.com and I have a free resource guide.

25:34

It’s like 30 pages and it’s got recommendations for books on dealing with high conflict and dealing with addiction and books for your kids, books for yourself, podcast episodes.

It there’s all kinds of information there to help you get started ’cause that’s the other thing I think that many parents struggle with is like, we don’t know where to.

25:54

Turn right and you’re afraid.

What if you make a mistake?

I mean, you’re probably so lacking the the strength and confidence to make that first step and then blaming yourself for the situation.

26:18

And then, you know, it’s all, I do want to acknowledge the fact that it, there’s a lot of pressure on who, you know, in this case of the mom, let’s say if she’s, you know, the one who needs to leave, to not just leave but also take care of herself.

26:36

And by the way, also look out for all of your kids and make sure everybody’s safe.

It’s not just like I’m jumping ships, see y’all later.

It’s, it’s a big job, It’s significant.

And we have relationships with shelters here.

26:52

And, and I also really recommend that all the time because they are prepared for you, they’re prepared for the kids, they’re prepared for you.

They have, you know, but you have to show up to take that very first step.

So as your kids, so you make the step, you get the information.

27:11

I mean, this is an amazing story you just told us about this relationship.

But what if you have to leave the house?

How do you always check on your kids?

Is it a matter of I’m always here, you know, for you, good, bad or ugly, you can ask me anything, tell me anything.

27:29

Is it as simple as that with your kids or like, how do you know if they’re OK?

Oh, it’s been three years.

You know, she’s in school, She’s doing great.

She has friends.

She sleeps.

She’s.

Great.

How do you know she’s great?

27:46

So just to be clear, you’re talking about a situation where a parent leaves the family home and the kids?

Stay.

And the kids stay.

No.

Oh, OK, OK.

No, but just a home.

Where there?

Was.

Just a home where there was.

28:03

Abuse.

And they they left.

They had to leave, Yeah.

Right.

So I think one, you pay attention to their behavior because a lot of times kids are showing us how they’re feeling when they’re not using words, right.

28:18

And so if you see any big departure in their behavior, like they were a typically happy go lucky kind of kid and now they’re very withdrawn.

They’re not connected to things that they used to be really excited about or you see big shifts in their behavior.

28:34

That’s one.

You can also have kids a lot of times when things go South between parents, kids will also operate in extremes and they will become like one extreme is becoming the absolute perfect child where they’re dotting all the IS and they’re crossing all the TS and they’re making straight A’s and then star of this, the soccer team, right?

28:55

And, and and yet if they get an A minus, they completely fall out.

Yeah, right.

That can be a sign.

You can also have kids that go the other direction and become the Oh my God, I wish you weren’t my child, right?

You’re getting called into the principal’s office all the time.

29:11

They’re like creating problems.

Kids have ways of showing us through their behavior, right?

And sometimes those behaviors are a way to try and kind of bring the family back together, even if it wasn’t a healthy situation, Right, right.

29:31

You know how?

How can we?

How can I give my parents a common cause?

Right, and you become the common cause.

So pay attention to their behavior.

If kids are saying things like I wish I was never born, maybe things would be better if I wasn’t around, Absolutely.

29:52

You need to take that very seriously.

Those are huge red flags.

But I think by and large, the problem that lots of parents are struggling with is that they’re not necessarily it’s they’re not operating.

30:08

Those are very extreme situations, right?

There are a lot of parents that fall in the middle there somewhere where it was an emotionally abusive situation or they they don’t know how to have those conversations.

And so they got scared and they never said anything to their kids.

30:24

And now they’re wondering, Oh my gosh, have I totally messed up my kids forever?

And so that’s a fear I.

Think a lot of divorce.

Right.

Is it too late?

Is it ever too late to have the conversation?

I mean, do you know people, parents maybe dismiss it, right?

30:40

I wanted you to say.

That it is never too late.

And so I work with lots of parents about.

Look, First off, realize you’re not gonna do this perfectly.

We all make mistakes regardless of our marital status.

We mess up sometimes.

30:57

And when we do, it’s really important to circle back with kids.

And when you mess up, your fess up.

Right.

I’m all for that.

I always tell my kids, you know what?

You’re right.

Or it wasn’t that they called me out.

31:14

I just I made a mistake and take responsibility for it.

Or it could be, oh, I’m listening to this podcast and I heard these, you know, women talking about how important it is to have a conversation.

And I realized, you know, I got to thinking that there’s probably a lot of things we’ve never really talked about.

31:32

Right?

Yeah.

And so I just want you to know that I haven’t been very good at that in the past.

And I’m going to work on being better.

So if you’re ever, you know, like if you have a question about the divorce or let’s say you lost it when you found out about dad’s new girlfriend, you can circle back and say, yeah, I didn’t.

31:54

I didn’t really show up for you the way I wanted to.

That’s not the way I wanted that to go down.

Yeah, I really, I really lost it.

And I take full responsibility for that.

Can we have a redo?

Can we try again?

32:11

Because what I really wanted to say was this, right?

And understand that it’s not, it’s not about having the exact perfect words.

It’s about showing up and trying.

32:26

And kids will know that you’re trying and they’ll, they’ll hang in there with you as long as we stay open.

No, I was just going to say I love, I love because I I I myself, and I’ve acknowledged this before.

32:41

Like I feel like I didn’t have enough conversations and enough check insurance with my kids over the course of the years.

And it wasn’t really until TH and I started ex experts and the divorce etcetera podcast and learning and listening to experts like yourself that I realized like there were things that I hadn’t done and conversations that I needed to have, but I was like years behind where I needed to be.

32:59

So I just like kind of the transition of the way that you said that to bring it up and say, like, look, I heard this conversation and I realized I hadn’t done this and you know, I’ll I’ll be better.

That kind of thing.

Like, because I think that sometimes if you haven’t been consistently having that conversation, starting it breaking the ice is like one of the hardest parts.

33:19

And it and I think it will take a while for your kids to open up, which is a little bit of kind of back to what I was saying in the very beginning of like a kid who’s not really that prone to open up, like how are you going to kind of draw them out?

But particularly if it’s not something you’ve been doing consistently.

And I definitely agree, like we we all we can do is learn and try and do better.

33:37

And you know, we’re doing what we’re doing the best we can with the circumstances we have.

Well, I would also want add one other tip right?

Don’t go into it in a impulsive reactive way.

So have a plan.

33:53

Think about it before you actually have the conversation.

What are the things you might want to say to your child?

And I recommend to parents, I spent a lot of time scripting with parents.

All right, So what might that sound like?

Well, you could say something like, oh, yeah, write that down.

34:11

Right?

OK, don’t say it in my words.

Say it in your words, like, let’s write that.

Let’s write it out.

Now, why do you do that?

Not because I want you to pull out a CHEAT SHEET and go, OK, wait, I got an answer for this and you read it off.

That’s not what we’re aiming for.

34:27

But by writing right, we’re processing right.

We’re thinking about it, we’re being thoughtful, we’re connecting with the words, we’re getting more familiar with them so that when we go into it, we’re a little more prepared.

We feel a little more stable to have a thoughtful conversation.

34:48

And it’s OK to not know the answer.

Like if your kids hit you with something and you’re just like, who, man?

I, I don’t know what to say, but I’m so glad you told me.

35:05

I am so glad that you trusted me enough to say this.

Thank you.

And I really want to, I really want to think about that because that’s an important question.

I mean, I need Christina in my ear for the next two hours while I deal with the situation that I have.

35:28

I mean, yeah.

Well.

But it’s.

Logical, I mean it’s so simple what you’re saying and and for me, I overcomplicated in my head.

If you just keep it simple, just super simple, like if I called my son right now and I said you’re making me feel uncomfortable right now with what you’re texting to me, where is this coming from?

35:54

I feel like that’s what I would say as opposed to what I was talking to Christina about before we started recording and I called him some choice words, but.

Well, I think that, but the balance of of our existing relationships also play into what those conversations are like.

36:14

It’s easy to listen to Christina and be like, yes, it’s so simple to do this, but like you can’t dismiss, no way to dismiss the relationships and the dynamic means this.

I just said it’s it’s it’s simplified.

36:30

It’s simple in theory.

I know, I know, but.

What I’m saying is like the dynamics of our relationship, like I can hear something like that and be like, yes, it’s so simplified.

And then be having a conversation with my son and I want to freaking kick his head off because he’s like a know it all, you know, pain in my ass.

So even though it’s like, yes, it’s simplified and and that should be whatever, like the dynamics of our existing relationships play into how we’re able to initiate those conversations anyway, Yeah.

36:56

Yes.

And they can also change over time.

And they do.

So a lot of times when we show up differently, things shift with our kids.

Instead of us putting our energy into trying to get them to change, we start with ourselves.

37:17

And so how can I show up differently?

And so instead of, oh, you were totally pissing me off, you’re making me so angry.

We might need to say, all right, yeah, I’m having some.

I’m having some concerns.

I’m a little worried about when I when I read your text, gosh, I didn’t.

37:37

I wasn’t sure I understood what was going on.

Can you tell me more?

Right, right.

Can you tell me what’s hey, what’s going on?

Yeah.

‘Cause remember a lot of time, I mean, there’s so much that we can assume easy to jump into those assumptions versus just taking a beat and going wow, what, what’s what’s going on?

38:00

Here’s here’s what I’m concerned about.

Tell me what’s your plan?

What’s your plan?

A lot of times as parents we spend entirely too much time talking and not enough time like.

Pausing, sitting.

With it and listening well.

38:19

Good advice for yeah it is.

Super.

Hard and so good advice for everybody.

Will you and.

So will you just text my son back?

You’re right.

Exactly.

Pretend like pretend.

Like it’s coming from TH.

Yeah, he’s texting me, by the way. 12 times on this call because I have not responded to the first one.

38:40

All right.

Well, this.

Is a great place to kind of wrap it up because it had it had it is it’s it’s like a lot of great actionable tips.

Your advice always Christina is amazing and I hope that everyone who’s been listening I mean I kind of feel like I need to go back with like a pen and paper and actually write out some of the she wrote for scripting just to save in the notes in my phone for conversations that I have with my kids.

39:03

But always, always a pleasure having you.

Thank you for joining us, sharing your expertise with us and the Divorce etc… community.

And for everyone listening, if you want to follow Christina, her books, even her movies, Split and what was this?

I’m sorry, split split up the teen years.

39:21

By Ellen Bruno Yes, but.

If you go to divorce and.

Children, you can find all of it.

Yeah, and that’s also in the show.

Notes And if you laughed or learned anything during this episode, we’d be grateful if you’d spend one minute giving us a Five Stars review and leaving us a quick comment.

39:39

We’re on a mission to educate, empower and support anyone touched by divorce so they can make the best choices for themselves and their families.

Your divorce story doesn’t define you, it empowers you.

An we’ve lived it, so we get it.

Please share this eisode with anyone you know who can benefit from listening and have a great day!