Dating and other conundrums with Lindsey Metselaar
What should you wear on the first date? How do you know it’s time to break up? Should you be friends with your ex? Is the universe even listening? If you have these questions and are tired of bombarding your friends with your dating anxieties then look no further, because Lindsey Metselaar has got answers.
Lindsey is the creator and host of the millennial dating podcast “We Met at Acme.” Lindsey is like a millennial dating detective. She deep dives into unsolved dating dilemmas like a skilled sleuth, uncovering the tips needed to solve any relationship mystery. Often, providing an efficient and effective solution to your prickly problem in four tips or less. In fact, her instagram is a digital dating resource guide, curated with her “4 Tips” TikTok videos.
From romance to friendship, Lindsey is your relationship guru. The “We Met at Acme” podcast radiates big sister energy. Lindsey is reassuring and encouraging while never holding back on telling it like it is. She’s bold but relatable, funny but comforting. Lindsey has all the wisdom of experience like your grandma, except she’s not a grandma. She’s 30 years old with no kids.
Don’t let Lindsey’s youth and millennial expertise distract you from her knowledge. Her advice is universal. Lindsey credits her dating advice to the experts and professionals she interviews on her podcast. But she also regards her mom as amazing at giving advice when it comes to dating. Even though her mom is of a different generation, Lindsey resonates with all of her advice. She takes on ALL aspects of dating with a simplicity that is applicable to anyone’s life.
Stopping the molehill from becoming a mountain. For Lindsey simplicity is key.
Lindsey’s motto about dating is “If you’re confused, they’re not interested.” It’s as simple as that. She eases out of any situation with a solution so clear, we want to hit ourselves in the head for not thinking of it first. It’s like searching endlessly for something and then realizing it’s been right in front of you all along. Lindsey just opens our eyes to what we’ve been missing.
Her simple dating rules for women (in hetero relationships) are as follows:
- Don’t have sex with them on the first date.
- No more than two drinks on the first few dates, because nobody likes someone who’s sloppy.
- Don’t text them thank you after the date, because you already thanked them on the date. Let them come to you.
- Don’t initiate plans with them until you’re official.
Finding What You Need at Acme
Before she started her podcast, Lindsey was a social media manager for different brands. It was a great gig, but she found the work a bit unfulfilling. Something that she always came back to was dating. Lindsey was the one to guide all of her friends and craft texts for them. She was a ghostwriter of sorts. She found herself obsessed with dating, always asking questions and starting conversations around dating at dinners and get-togethers like that. When Lindsey found herself totally dumped out of the blue on her 27th birthday, she recorded an impromptu conversation with a guy friend and discovered she had a lot more to learn than she realized. That’s when she started, “We Met at Acme.” Now, the podcast has been going strong for almost four years, which goes to show just how much there still is to talk about with dating!
For Lindsey, Acme is whatever you want it to be.
Though the podcast is named after the NYC hotspot Acme, Lindsey says the reference can be whatever someone wants: it can be the supermarket, it can be a club, it can be a bar, it can be a park, whatever, you meet at Acme. She feels that Acme symbolizes what the podcast is about. It doesn’t matter what the location is; what makes it matter is that it’s the setting for your story.
Yes, Lindsey Actually Met Someone At Acme!
It was a drunken night in the city (she’s sober now) and she had lost her friend that she went to Acme with. The bar was packed to the brim. And so, she went up to the tallest guy in the room and said, ‘Put me on your shoulders, I need to find my friend.’ And he did, no questions asked. She found her friend, and apparently, she gave the tall guy her number. She awoke the following morning, with a hazy recollection of the previous night’s incident, to a text that read: ‘Hey, you were on my shoulders last night.’ The man who was a shoulder to sit on is now a friend now. Even though it’s a friendship, it’s still a relationship story.
Her story with her current partner is a bit different.
He went to high school with one of her best friends from college, so they knew each other’s names in passing. In true meet cute fashion, while at a New Year’s Eve party in Miami – where neither of them lived – they happened to stumble onto the dance floor at the same time. Out of the thousands of people that were at a New Year’s Eve party they happened to find each other.
The Universe is listening, you just have to keep your ears open,
Lindsey believes that the universe is working in your favor, but you have to put yourself out there in order to receive. It’s 50/50. You have to lean in 50% and then the universe leans in 50%. The perfect person isn’t just going to bust down your door and tell you that you’re “the one.” You have to go out into the world, be yourself, love yourself, and you’ll attract what you put out there.
exEXPERTS’ T.H. totally agrees with this point. She was on a tear with dating, and then decided she had to stop because she was getting caught up in someone she knew for three days. Then she blew off a different guy, but then she saw him at the vet when she went to pick up her dog. T.H. walked in and he’s like, “How was your trip?” Fast forward three years later, and T.H. is moving in with him. It was the universe. Even though it felt out of her control, she was putting herself out there and gave it a shot.
Dating Does and Don’ts
From paying the dinner bill to age gaps to staying friends with an ex, Lindsey’s got her opinion.
For Lindsey, when it comes to hetero relationships, the guy needs to be courting her.
If you know there’s a clear divide, maybe they’re in med school or in a situation where they aren’t earning an income at the time, then it’s more acceptable for the woman to offer to pay (sometimes). There are always exceptions to the rules. But if you’re dating someone established, they should take care of you. If they don’t then why would you want to date them anyway?
When Jessica first got out of her second marriage, she didn’t want to have to stress about looking for serious relationships. It was contrary to what she would have thought. She thought it would be refreshing for these men to meet a woman like her who was not looking to settle down right away, and who was easygoing and just wanted to date, have fun and have her own time with her kids. She was speaking to her therapist and explained how she would go on two dates with these guys, and they’d tell her, “I don’t want you dating anyone else.” That’s when her therapist told her to start dating younger guys. Jessica didn’t know what to make of that suggestion. She changed her dating profile the following weekend, and all of a sudden, she was inundated with a bunch of 30-something year-old guys. She did end up going out with a couple of them, and then became torn. They did pay for the bill, but she felt because she was much older than them that she should be paying it. At the end of the day, she’s not their mother, so she decided it wasn’t her responsibility. To some extent, she felt the unease of the age gap, and believed it was a factor that didn’t really work for her.
So what if there’s an age gap?
This question depends on maturity level. What if you have this youthful spirit, and they have this old soul? It’s possible to click with someone who’s younger or older than you. What matters is if the relationship is “age appropriate.” You shouldn’t be crossing any lines. And there shouldn’t be an imbalance of power. No one in the relationship should have more authority than the other. That’s why, for the most part, the ideal situation is being around the same age. As you get older, there’s more at stake and you care less about games. It’s more straightforward and less bullshit. You don’t want your relationship to be superficial, so being on the same maturity level is crucial. Ask yourself: what is this person really looking for? Where do they see themselves in the next five years? Do their values align with mine? Don’t be afraid to have these conversations on the first second or third date.
For Jessica and T.H., an important factor is whether or not the person they’re dating has kids and if they do, how old their kids are. Someone that has kids is a benefit because someone who doesn’t have kids can’t understand what parents have to deal with. Bottom line, you and your partner have to be able to relate to one another.
It’s also a matter of where you are on your path. T.H. says that if there are things on your mind that are important to you, get it out there early, so you don’t waste your time. You’re on a clock in terms of whether you’re wasting your time or not. You know what you’re looking for. When you decide you’re interested in meeting a partner,it’s time to ask questions to determine if your paths align, and whether or not you want them to merge.
Does size matter, ahem you know…his height? Listen. Height is superficial. When you’re choosing someone based on height, you’re over-filtering.
Filter your ideal partner based on your needs not your wants. We can’t all have a David Beckham. Keep an open mind. You should not be close-minded because some guy doesn’t meet your height requirement. Lindsey thinks this type of thinking is what holds so many people back. And what about all the supermodels out there with men that are shorter than them? If it’s good enough for them, why isn’t it a potential option for you? This is where dating apps falter. Because if you met someone in person that is 5’8” that you vibe with, you would be down. But, when you have so many options on the apps, you’re likely to become picky and critical.
T.H admits that she was a culprit of overfiltering. The guy who she is with, despite him living a mile away, is about 5’9 and didn’t satisfy her superficial filter at first. When she saw him in person at her vet she was totally attracted to him and thought she should definitely give him a chance. All her filters went out the window the minute she saw him in person.
Don’t limit yourself by over-filtering, but definitely stick to the things that you just can’t have in your life, like long toenails and cats.
Acceptable filters are things that are needs for you versus wants.
Make a list of qualities that are non-negotiable and qualities that you want. The things that you want don’t really matter. It’s only the things that you need. If you need someone who is Catholic, then sure, throw that in there. But you don’t need someone that’s over 5’10. You don’t need someone that’s British. Be real.
Should you be friends with your ex?
No. Plain and simple. Lindsey doesn’t believe there’s any reason to be friends with your ex, unless there’s some other attachment like they were like your family friend first, or you have a kid together. It’s hard and you might feel like the bad guy doing it, but you have to let them go. This applies to dating someone for two years and they’re your boyfriend. You don’t need that person in your life anymore. You have nothing tying you to that person. Keeping them around, is like keeping the door to your past open. In order to move forward, you have to close the door.
If you have kids together, it’s a totally different story. You should be friends with your ex, or at least be amicable with them, if you have kids together. Obviously, if your ex is a toxic piece of garbage who is abusive then there’s no need to converse with them. But, for the sake of diplomacy in the name of the kids it’s crucial to be on good terms with your ex. You have to at least be able to have conversations with them if you’re dealing with the kids. Jessica is very good friends with both of her ex husbands, and they even hang out together. It makes her life easier, her kids more comfortable, and it allows them all to be able to spend time together without it being weird. She doesn’t believe it’s a rule that you should be friends with your ex, but she personally thinks that there can be a major upside to being friends with your ex post-divorce. For Jessica, her second ex was a part of the family with the kids even though he’s not their dad. There are a lot of redeeming qualities about him and she thinks he’s a value to everyone’s lives.
T.H. has a different opinion. Some people are going to be friends with their exes, and some people aren’t. After her separation, T.H had a two year relationship and then a six year relationship. Her kids were young at the time, so parenting was her priority. She was in a relationship on Wednesdays and every other weekend, and all the other times, she was mom. She does not speak to either of them. And she doesn’t really feel bad about it. In fact she feels bad about not feeling bad. She rarely thinks about it at all.
You may have a million more thoughts and questions about the “right” way to approach dating situations and how to handle things, and Lindsey has something to say for all of them. For more dating advice and millennial mishaps go check out the “We Met At Acme” insta and podcast!